Fuck you very much.

I finally found what I was looking for.

Evidence. Dated merely two weeks ago.

Like I said, I will never slander someone without concrete proof. And now that I found it, my heart crumbled, rendering my entire body lifeless, limp, broken. Like I said, my world crashed down many times this year and this time, it's like armageddon all over again.

Time after time, I chose to believe. Time after time, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Few months down the road, I really believed...but only for awhile until evidence kept piling up. And till tonight, I found what I was looking for.

Your confession, her confession, your confession to your friends (oh how you gloat about it). Congratulations. You've won. You're the ultimate player and I'm the fool for once. Let me wipe my tears first before I hand you your freaking trophy. Oh no, wait. She's got a 'present' at your place right? Ha. That's your trophy.

Have I not been good enough? No I don't think so. In fact, many people would envy the position you're in.

Am I not pretty enough? Yes, I may not be. But there will always be pretty people around and you can't have them all no matter how good looking you think you are. Coz you know what, you'll age like me, you'll fall out of love like me, you'll get hurt like me and you will NEVER find love (unlike me). Yes I'm cursing you.

Have I not been sincere enough? I have. Always have. In fact, I went OUT OF MY WAY to help you, to support you, to make sure you were doing fine. I struggled night and day with your assignments, lost sleep, shed countless tears for the fucking big disappointment that you are.

And all I wanted was to ensure our relationship would be a happy and stable one, with a strong foundation. I was so cautious of stepping into it initially and when I did, I gave it my all, without holding back.

How naive.

What about you? What have you done besides cooking up stories and lying through your teeth a zillion times, through and through..over and over again? What have YOU done to show that "you love me always", "you mean so much to me", "I have nothing to hide"...la di da di da....I wanna laugh. I really do.

You know what's REALLY hilarious? Is that she wants to meet me to explain things? Hello?? Why would I wanna meet you. Seriously. Funny thing is she wants to tell me the whole story. Should I thank her for having the courage to own up? Possibly coz unlike you, she's got more balls. She really wants to meet. She's telling me "if you really love her then let me have a chance to explain".

So now she's acting all noble - saying things like "this will be the first and last time we'll meet.. just want a nice end to me and her, if you really love and care for her and don't want to lose people who love you so much still, then please give me a chance can?"

Seriously, WHAT NICE END? Best of both worlds right? If I was vindictive enough, I could easily find out who her gf is and give her a hell of a good time, like what I'm going through. But no. Albeit occasionally a tad bitchy, I'm not a bitch.

What about MY nice ending? Seriously, can someone get the BITCH OFF MY BACK?

Oh wait...TWO bitches.

Get them off of me. Please. I need my life back. I need my happiness back. This half of the year has been a total waste of time.

Maybe I deserved it... for being utterly stupid, tolerant and way too soft-hearted. Maybe I deserved this ending for being fucking naive.

Maybe I deserved it for falling in love with the wrong person. It is truly and utterly pointless.

Fuck you very much.

Ditto

You reminisce on times spent together while you flip through old albums. You lament about love lost and how you're heart has not settled over time.

You probably miss the moments where you had nothing to worry about, you felt happy, secure, safe. You look at how close and tight knit you guys were, how outings with friends were joyous occasions with no suspicions, no politics. You share the same friends - birthdays, anniversaries, surprises, countless dinners and catching up sessions.

You looked back at your holidays together, your future plans, how your world was moulded into one...and then you look at the present and saw a stark contrast; you feel empty, unsatisfied and hoping you'd finally forget the damage, the requited love, the unconditional promises that were never fulfilled.

You look at the present and wished you lived in that one world where you did not have to code switch back and forth, where you felt safe and comfortable enough to communicate your woes and troubles, that you did not have to hide your emotions and relate your true thoughts, your real feelings, your perception of the ongoing events.

But hasn't it dawned upon you that this is exactly how I feel too?

###

My world crashed down countless times this year...I don't know if I have the heart and strength to grit my teeth and hold it up again.

Why don't you do it for me? Make my happiness last, will you? Coz if you can't, I'll have to do it myself..on my own.

Love this new arrangement...

Very chill...does Ministry of Sound ring a bell? Hotel Costes maybe?

I'll be missing...

(This pic looks strangely familiar...).

As you triapse the steps at Montmarte,

Hide from the cold in London,

Feel the cool wind bite in Berlin,

And marvel at the colosseum,

Remember that...I'll be missing.

When you roam the unfamiliar streets,

Cursing at your tired feet,

Wishing there was warmth,

Away from the brewing storm,

Remember that... I'll be missing.

As you lift your head to look at gargoyles and statuettes,

Ancient mosaics and all things archaic,

Remember that... I'll be missing.

When you feast on baguettes and pastries,

Washed down with cafe au lait or your favourite dairy,

Remember that...

If I could...

I'd rather be holding you,

Travelling in the subways of Paris,

Marveling at the churches in Rome,

Buying union jacks in London,

And tracing the Wall in Berlin...

Than to be sitting here,

Trying not to tear,

With a cigarette dangling,

And my mood dampening.

Remember that despite it all,

These trying months with moments where I'll fall,

Despite all the crying and the failings,

I will still, and indefinitely, be missing...

An accidental tradition

I wish I could spend Christmas like how I did the past few years.

Paperweight

The year's coming to an end and what have I done besides the daily routine of waking up at 7am?

Well, I've finished two units of my masters - three to go before I graduate - took only ONE holiday (KK's not counted coz I was too sick), went for Basic Reporting Course, focused on work, on my studies. I'm currently speed reading books I didn't have the chance to read because of my masters and also kind of speed watching serials and movies...all that I missed out on while focusing on the other aspect of my life.

I see myself racing through this mental, high-strung, must-not-give-up streak, to end up learning that at the end of it all, I learnt nothing.

By the time the year 2009 ends, I would have gone back to square one. I already feel that I'm stepping into a time warp that's transporting me back to 2002, where I did not - or rather, could not - bring myself to dance in the rain, to throw my head back in ecstatic laughter, to climb gates or fences, to drink despite being intolerant to alcohol, to be a bubbly drama queen, to dance myself silly, to kiss for the sake of it, to give free hugs to people who needed it, and finally, to be...content.

I feel too heavy. Instead of a balloon, I feel like a paperweight. Instead of absorbing information, they bounce off my head. Instead of interacting, I retreat. And I've never retreated this way before.

I refuse to do anything. I refuse to meet new people, I refuse to attend events, I refuse to socialise and I refuse to have a heart-to-heart talk, not to mention a tete-a-tete. The me who used to talk freely and openly about life in general...is now clamped up like a spoilt mussel.

I walk the corridors dazed, I walk the streets seeing shadows bouncing off walls, I see you but I do not SEE you. I talk to you but I'm no longer eloquent....don't you see that? I'm having problems communicating and my sentences are broken. Do any of you realise that? I do and it hurts me to know that I can't deliver a full sentence without stumbling from time to time.

This weight is something I've never experienced before. In the past, I could bring myself to speak to it to Moo, to Bam and to whomever I held close to heart. This time, I'm experiencing darkness that's becoming rather overwhelming, intense and my dreams are getting more and more incomprehensible, surreal and extremely weird...no, weird's an understatement.

If I can't even open up to the closest people to me, does this mean that what I'm going through has much darker roots? If I can't bring myself to speak to someone, will I drown in my own nothingness?

This is beyond me; the me who could self-diagnose and "self-medicate". I'm plunging into an abyss of aloofness and I don't give a damn even if there were hands reaching out to grab onto me...I can't even scream for help even if I could, even if I wanted to...cos in the end, I can't be bothered to.

Sunday bloody Sunday

Am I smart or do I just have strong intuition?

Thanks for spoiling my Sunday, bitch, with your false alarms and cries of help. If you could drag your ass to the hospital, I'm sure you can drag your sorry ass home.

It's gonna be over a year since all the nonsense started, so stop it and give me some peace.

I NEED SOME FUCKING PEACE. I really do.. I don't want to always feel unsettled and watching my girl being manipulated like that.

At the end of all this, I realised I really hate 2009. First this, then that, that again, this again, and then THIS AGAIN. It never ends does it. Honestly, give me some peace will you? ALL OF YOU?

Pathetic piece of conniving shit. There's a reason why your friends are no longer your friends.

Here we go again...fantastic.

Here we go again, folks. My love life's fucking hilarious. It's a fucking joke. Here's why:

My girlfriend has failed miserably. She's a compulsive liar. Yes, a true blue COMPULSIVE one. I've never met anyone like that.

She forgot that my profession is to dig out stuff others can't seem to dig out. She also forgot that I'm resourceful and I have my ways. She forgot that I will never falsely accuse without evidence...because hey, I can get my pants sued off.

What she truly forgot was to be honest and forthright.

Honestly, there's no point trying to tell me stories cos I can see through most of her lies and tall tales. There's also no point telling me white lies or choosing not to reveal something because things would be much better if she had. I wouldn't mind a lot of things but I guess she doesn't know me well enough.

Yes, I've been innately unhappy. I should shed this facade...this mask of smiles in front of her. All these lies and senseless stories are getting to me.

It shouldn't be like this...gosh she should go and try out as a storyteller. Write a novel while you're at it, why don't you?

I've been transparent all this while. I've been honest all this while..ok maybe 90%. And then I forgot not everyone's like me...in fact, everyone has lots of secrets to hide. I do too...but I was honest and transparent with almost everything.

Nothing beats this...seriously. To even have to spin a story?! Even after interrogation? She beats everyone hands down. Bravo!

When I found my source and proof, it rendered me speechless. Well done. Really. Only you can do something like that. And you know what? You win.

One month down the road and nothing changes. No lessons learnt, no one takes heed.

Not even me...

Seriously, honestly....Fuck My Life. Fuck hers too.

My X'mas wish list...

Yup! It's the time of the year. Ho ho ho! And this tops my Christmas wish list:

Love the ad too! Tried the camera quickly before the salesman tried tempting me with bundles...and the photo quality was pretty good.

End year bonus! Or better yet...shall wait for the price to drop.

*rubs hands with glee*

The Sixth Tuesday

Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite.

Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help.

If you let the fear inside, if you pull it on like a familiar shirt, then you can say to yourself, "All right, it's just fear, I don't have to let it control me. I see it for what it is."

Same for loneliness: you let go, let the tears flow, feel it completely- but eventually be able to say, "All right,that was my moment with loneliness. I'm not afraid of feeling lonely, but now I'm going to put that loneliness aside and know that there are other emotions in the world and I'm going to experience them as well."

"Detach", Morrie said again.

I Wrote This For You

Emo-verbal diarrhea...I think this site is good:

http://pleasefindthis.blogspot.com/

Good heartfelt writing, short and meaningful. Love it.

SUPER emo though...

Something's wrong...

I no longer prance around in my room to any random music playing on my laptop. Hell, I no longer bob to music!

I no longer throw my head back in ecstatic laughter. I no longer want to dance, I no longer want to hop into a pool at 3 in the morning and I no longer like to talk to random strangers. Neither do I like to make small talk now.

In fact, I no longer like to talk for too long or too much. I just want to sit quietly with people I'm comfortable with...and not speak (I miss Moo). I am also disliking the idea of meeting so-called "friends", who really are acquaintances. I don't want to meet new people too and no, I don't want to stand around with a cocktail in one hand either.

I am now experiencing a moment of stagnancy and tad hibernation. Leave me with my laptop, iPod, tea/coffee, ciggies, a book..and I'll be a happy girl.

I've got this unsettling feeling and I think I know what's wrong. But I've been sleeping on it.

And I'll continue to sleep on it till I'm ready to wake up with a jolt.

This is the calm before the storm I suppose...no?

The Second Tuesday

"Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel.

And if you are ever going to have others trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too - even when you're in the dark.

Even when you're falling." - Morrie

Skin describes it best...

Love..before its lost

"The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost." - Gilbert Keith Chesterton

This simple quote rings many bells and I'm sure it means something to everyone.

Is it an innate thing in humans to take almost everything they possess for granted? May it be money, love, life, friends, family, material possessions - don't we take at least a handful of these for granted?

Perhaps instead of delving into what our purpose on earth is, we should learn instead to cherish what we have because without doing so, we would never ever learn why we're here in the first place.

A friend's granny passed away this afternoon...

I never knew her, I never knew how close she was to her. But I knew the loss is something she would have to bear. A weight in her heart that she has to learn to let go. The memories, no matter good or bad, will always be imprinted in her. But what I found admirable is that she spent every waking moment with her...till the very last minute.

With death, we often reflect how people take their lives for granted - recklessness, self-infliction and negligence are just some methods how those alive deal with their life, when perhaps millions are fighting for their last breath, a morsel of bread and a drop of water.

When our loved ones are taken away at an untimely manner, whether is it by a natural disaster or a freak accident, we tell ourselves that we should have told them how much we loved them, how sorry we were for shouting at them that morning or how much we knew treasured every single moment spent with them.

I, like many others, am guilty for taking certain things in my life for granted.

But I guess to live happily and positively every day, I'd have to tell myself that perhaps when I close my eyes to sleep tonight, I'll probably never see the light of day...and that I have to cherish every waking hour with the people I love..my friends, my family, my lover. Everyone.

And maybe then, I'll finally understand...

Back to where we started...

We traipsed around only to find ourselves going in a definite radius around a point. This point is one which we try so hard to reach no matter how far we stretch ourselves.

Perhaps for a mere moment, we embraced it but somehow... somewhere along the way, someone was careless and in moment's folly, we lost what we tried so hard to grasp.

We ended up losing our bearings and started wandering around without a concrete direction.

Parallel lines never meet. They might be heading towards the same direction, they make a bend round the corner, they curve around obstacles...but they never meet.

What would make them meet would be a drastic change in events, a sudden pull so hard it changes the course it was on.

Whenever I lose direction - no matter is it driving or walking in a foreign country - I keep on walking straight ahead without making any turns. Perhaps in certain countries, it might be a stupid thing to do, but if I still feel lost after walking straight, I'd just turn back and continue walking straight to the point where I started from. I secretly like getting lost because I derive pleasure from finding my way back. I love driving around, getting lost and the further I go, the happier I am - I sense freedom while doing that.

But this time, I am not feeling any pleasure finding my way back. This time, I turned around and faced a frozen wall. I've been pacing up and down next to this wall, pondering if I should go around it, climb over it, or turn away and continue walking.

And this wall isn't any frozen wall. The thick ice refuses to melt no matter how I will it to. All of a sudden, I understood the meaning of being emotionless. No, that can't be it. I'm just afraid. Fucking scared. Yes, that's right.

I'm afraid to break it down; I'm afraid of what's behind it. Will I see multitude forms of anger, hatred and betrayal? Or will I see a different form of tenderness, commitment and faith? Maybe I should just stick to pacing next to it and see if it thaws on its own accord.

So here we go again...we revert to how we were. Only this time, we're walking in parallel directions...and some times, I just want to give up.

:)

As i see you crack a laughter, smile a little,
it did not reach your eyes.
i wish there was something we could do,
to take away the sadness, the tears, the sighs.

I hope you know ,
we understand what you are going through
And i hope you know We will always be around,
anytime, anywhere, for you.

Things take time to settle down,
to sort themselves out.
Leave time for no regrets,
No more questions, no more doubt.

Light will come after every darkness,
After every night.
And the sadness that overcomes you,
will slowly fade out of sight.

i know you are strong, i know you will
Turn things around the way
And the long nights will soon be over,
The skys will no longer be grey.


Thank you.

Just walk

"I am a slow walker but I never walk backwards."

-- Abraham Lincoln

###

When 10 out of 10 people say the same thing, it's probably accurate.

When 20 out of 20 people offer their support, hugs, advice and time, it probably shows I'm loved.

What's losing one person when I have a truckload of love?

Tiffy's (yes, oh wise one) blog post hit me real hard:

I've been taught right from the beginning, that we can't control our feelings. True, we can't help the way we feel.

But we were all given willpower for a reason.

A whole string of processes take place up there before an action is taken. And somewhere along those processes, there will definitely be a point where controlling is possible.

I still firmly believe it's all up in the head. It's always been.

###

Her post has taught me something - that I've outgrown my old self, that I possess an amount of willpower I never thought I had. And yes, I agree with you, Tiffy, that it's all in the mind.

I know I'm cut out for far greater things than the shit I faced. I'll look back at it some day and probably laugh at myself for being so silly. But at least I was brave. At least I wore my heart on my sleeve and took a risk without feeling I had to break someone before I was broken. It was always my tendency to do so because I was a coward - I was so afraid of getting hurt, I'd hurt the other party first. I wanted it all and I never wanted to be proven as the bad guy, I never wanted to get caught.

This time round, I dived without a safety net and emerged alive, unscathed, with maybe a few abrasions but stronger than before. Nothing...no one...not even you, can take me down.

The world is mine....and it's a pity you're not part of it coz you don't know what you're missing...

Twitter wisdom #1

Someone wrote in Twitter today:

You can't have the best of both worlds. You choose only one and give the person your all.

...
..
.

Yup, I did that.

Nobody's fool

I've ran out of words or rather, energy to even express whatever I want to express. Hell, I'm not even writing properly, just blabbering on and on...

I feel like my heart is raw, ripped out and left in the open allowing me to absorb emotions others are experiencing. I'm absorbing their despair, confusion and helplessness when I myself was experiencing the same over the past two days.

Two days of turmoil...I felt like I just emerged from a washing machine. But I emerged...

Am I not deserving of a little bit of faithfulness, honesty and truth? Why should I condone all that bullshit and subject myself to excuses, followed by more excuses, white lies, followed by tall tales and then illogical stories. I reckon I've gone through enough relationships to see what's worth it and what's not....and it's sad to say, this is heading to the not-worth-it list.

Because for a brief moment, I saw a glimpse of hope. I saw potential, I saw faith and I saw sincerity...before it came crashing down, before I came face-to-face with uncertainty, doubt and insecurity, before I got caught in a web of lies and broken promises. I thought reassurances were enough. Now I know that reassurances are a load of shit coz there shouldn't be a need to reassure in the first place.

So I walked...but I did so dragging my feet because I knew I possess the capacity and heart to forgive; I suppose it's in my nature to. But what I lacked was tolerance. I also felt like a fool and I refuse to be taken as one again.

I dragged my feet and am still dragging it painfully over shattered glass because the love exists, but the trust does not. To walk away knowing that there's still so much love buried is a painful ordeal. I can't recall ever being in this situation before.

This was a relationship I leaped into fully aware of how this girl deals with people's hearts. This was a girl who's every wish I would try to fulfill. This was a girl I was willing to overcome all differences and to work on building something. This was a girl I held back so much but eventually fell in love with, more than I thought I ever would. This was a girl who showed me a gentle and affectionate side to a relationship.

This is the same girl I tried hard to sustain the relationship with over the past month, the same girl whom I cried over during that entire time and the same one who broke my heart.

It shouldn't come as a surprise I suppose. What was I expecting anyway? I've done all I could. I tried mending, I begged for attention when I saw the relationship dwindling, I asked for a bit more effort...and now, in hindsight, I should have left it as how it was...let it dwindle. It seemed like a complete waste of energy now coz at the end of the day, I was going to get my heart broken. Plus I already felt so lonely just a few weeks ago, so what's this compared to that?

There's so much anger brewing inside of me but it's pointless to blow my top. There's no need to question why anymore because I think I've past the point of wondering why, despite all that has happened, why commit something she knew I would absolutely detest and loathe? Why continue hurting me when I was told countless times that I won't be hurt, I won't be hurt, I won't be hurt?

As we grow and move from one relationship to the next, we understand that love is not enough to sustain the relationship. So many factors play a part in keeping a healthy relationship and trust is one big factor. I used to think that love was enough....but that was many years ago.

So I've told myself I need time to heal and to believe again. I don't know how long I'm going to take and I have to do this alone. I cannot afford to entrust myself into someone's hands anymore. I cannot afford to let someone be so careless with my heart.

Hence I'm fingering the last page of this chapter and I'm wondering if I should turn it over for good...

Inadequacy

I was chatting with Moo while attempting to do my work at Starbucks with the crew and Moo and I touched upon the topic on feeling inadequate.

We Virgos have it hard...we really do. Simply because we're such perfectionists, nothing will satisfy us. We make mountains out of molehills over the simplest stuff.

We probably have so much pent up frustration and anger that occasionally leaks out when we start feeling inadequate. I don't know about the others but I definitely do. Instead of feeling upset with the world, I get angry with it. Yeah, lame excuse, I know. But when you have no one else to blame but yourself, you start pinning the blame on others and the rest of the world.

There are times in my life where I start undermining myself and wish I had it all.

I feel inadequate because:

- I'm not good-looking enough
- I'm not earning enough
- I don't have a good bod
- My hair is dropping
- My skin's not flawless
- I have no boobs
- My skin is drying up
- I have a huge tummy
- I have too much hair
- I've got pointy ears
- I hate the fact that I'm the major breadwinner
- I'm not getting any younger
- I'm not smart enough
- Neither am I intelligent enough
- I'm not extremely talented
- I've got big feet
- I keep growing pimples
- My teeth is not straight and pearly white

What? I'm entitled to rant right? No matter how superficial. Even if I could complain about deeper, philosophical topics, I would still end up saying I'm just not adequate enough.

It sucks and it's simply because of my constant pursuit of perfection. Everything has to be perfect, everything has to be in order. It's regimental but that's how it is. But of course, nothing's perfect right? Hence we Virgos are here to put things in order and to attain the non-existent perfection.

Barghh..it's one of those moods.

RANT

Liar, cheater, fabler and deluder.

BARGHH.

May you conniving bastard with a cunt rot in hell.

...

Ok I feel better now...

Must age gracefully...must.

The sad reality about getting older is that as we age, we look more and more haggard. I look at the people around me and I see their faces slowly being etched with life's experiences. I look in the mirror daily, watching tiny wrinkles developing near my eyes. Instead of willing them away, I tell myself that each wrinkle is there because of the amount of laughter I've had in my life.

Then I start scrutinising my neck coz I feel that it's getting drier recently no matter how much I moisturise. Sigh.

And no CE, my eyes weren't bigger last time and I wasn't prettier last time. :( I look...the same. Just a bit more tired, that's all.

I know I'm mentally preparing myself for the Big 3, having just passed my 28th birthday. I've spoken to many people about the Big 3 and I guess the only consolation I have now is that I'll be spending it in the States with Bam, so maybe I'll be less depressed coz ...it's slower by a day? :D

Despite all that, I had a fantastic 28th birthday celebration, mainly because of the company I had that night. It was a crazy karaoke session, thanks to Ju and some crazy-minded girls. I'm glad everyone got along well.

Somehow, presents came in pairs this year: two birthday balloons, two boxes of chocolates and two book-related gifts. A big thanks for the Borders voucher and book. They know me so well. Am I really the bookworm I perceive to be?

And the special present, the odd-one-out of the lot has to be, of course, from the Small One (she just had to be special, didn't she?). Thank you my baby for your present. :) You must have been really observant to figure out what I wanted all this while and yes, I do love it.

On the 12th itself, I woke up with a splitting headache after only three hours of sleep (alcohol-infused sleep is bad). Had a nice conversation with Moo before I was dragged out of bed for brunch. I miss her so much!

With me looking a tad pasty, we made our way under the hot sun to Dempsey. I wanted to eat at Jones The Grocer but it was packed to the brim, so we ventured to the empty Prime Society, where I feasted on Wagyu sausages and they had steak and egg.


Birthday dinner was at Broth (coz I so wanted the pavlova!) with the Small One:


*burp* I really think I ate too much that day. I was truly happy because I spent time with my loved ones in Singapore and on the phone with those who are in Australia.

Truth be told, I've forgotten how it's like to be young, clueless and with no direction whatsoever. Sheren and CE told me I should be reminded of my youth now that my gf is so much younger, but no, it's not true! In contrast, it reminds me of how OLD I am.

I remember I faced a huge (it was huge to me at that time) decision just before graduating. I didn't know if I wanted to stay in Melbourne or return to Singapore. This dilemma, I know, is one which a lot of people face.

And I suppose someone else decided for me. Not to say that I regretted anything, in fact, I'm glad I ended up working here because of the jobs I managed to get. I'm glad I got into journalism coz not only do I enjoy it, I can now work on expanding my career within this profession.

So, I really don't know how to advise you on your life because I stumbled upon mine by chance and impulse without much thought being given to it. I suppose that's the beauty of life - it brings you plenty of surprises when you least expect it and when you never had any plans at all. So don't worry too much; things happen for a reason and life has its own way of sorting itself out. You just need to pay attention to the people who are by your side when you go through the rough patches.

In hindsight, at the age of 20, I was absolutely clueless...

At 22, I thought I knew what I wanted with love and life...I attempted to make plans and I thought everything was so easy.

At 24, my life changed coz of one drastic decision. I entered the workforce by accident. I also learned that love alone is not enough.

At 26, I was truly happy. I understood what a good relationship entailed, I found love again, I travelled lots, I picked up tennis and I almost drowned.

And now at the age of 28, I'm in the midst of my masters, I already know what to learn when I'm done with that, I'm enjoying what I'm doing and I've made plans to take my career further coz I want to do more.

But I'm still lost...in certain ways I am still that 22-year-old girl who loves to be romanced yet clueless about love.

I'm still that 22-year-old who clings on to her skeptical, cynical and negative side.

I'm still the same weight, I still bicker with my mum (but over different things now). I still smoke (sigh), I still club (though lesser), I still break peoples' hearts and I still get my heart broken.

I'm still the 22-year-old who wished things were simpler. I'm still the girl who has plenty of fears.

Come to think of it, my friends from then are still my close friends today and this is something I treasure more than life itself.

I was chatting with CE the entire night (although I was supposed to be reading my notes) and I realised from the conversation, from some topic we were talking about, that I progress at a rather rapid rate. I get bored easily and nothing keeps me occupied for long. I need change, I need challenges.

Maybe that's why my life changes so drastically every three years or so.

Now that I have two more years before I reach the Big 3, I think I'll just spend my time enjoying myself coz when I reach the age of 30, I hope I can look back at my 20s and say: "I think I've laid my foundation right. So bring it on."

But in the meantime....I must age gracefully...I must, I must.

*goes and does her mask routine*

Don't bother

I'm really sick and tired....really. I wish I was tired to the point of numbness, but unfortunately I'm not. I wish I was.

How many times do I have to do this before it sticks in your fucking mind to actually BOTHER?

There's no point in telling me that you know. Words are just that and without acting on it, words are then useless.

So what's the point in bothering now? It's quite pointless when I've pointed it out three freaking weeks ago when time after time, I was being told the same thing but then the situation goes back to how it was again!

I believed I've brought it up so many times that I'm beginning to lose count. And it's pissing me off. Previously, I was upset...now I'm just fuming...and then I'm gradually feeling indifferent. Oh good. Finally.

How is it that people who are not close to me remember minor details about me? How is that the person who's supposedly close to me, does not?

Why is it when I kick a fuss, I get some adoration and attention, but then things revert to its previous state?

Why is it that I HAVE to kick a fuss in the first place?

So, don't bother. Really. Why bother now? It's so difficult anyway. It's like squeezing blood from stone.

Plus it's kinda late. I'm giving up.

I have no strength to persist any further. I'm drained from a month of hell.

So just remain status quo and do what you like...coz things won't be the same anymore anyway...

...and I really want to feel better before the 12th. Sigh.

###

The strangest thing that happened tonight was that I actually managed to seek solace from my mom. She came over when I was feeling at my worst and handed me a watch.

She said that she had always wanted to give me a present when I graduated from uni and she had promised a watch, but was never able to give me one till now.

Although it didn't cost much and it's not a luxury watch with a fancy brand, I can for once truly say that it really is the thought behind it that made it priceless.

She asked me if I wanted it and while I was fidgeting with it, the thought that ran through my head was that I'll take it because I wanted something tangible to represent her.

My mom is not the type who will shower us with presents but she provided us with all that we ever needed and wanted in life, whether it was material necessities or spiritual support, we had it.

I remember when I was 7 or 8 years old, I bought a porcelain swan from a fete that was held at my primary school in Melbourne. I thought that it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw, so I bought it with the intention of giving it to my mom. I remember feeling very excited and couldn't wait to surprise her.

But it broke on the way home and I remembered crying my heart out. I remember telling her that it was a present for her. I first tasted the cruel bitterness of disappointment - an intense feeling that felt like my heart was breaking - the same feeling I'm getting tonight.

And I think she hugged me.

So for me to hold onto something tangible, despite what the object is, is priceless in its own sense because I know I'll think of her whenever I look at it and I know I'll keep it till the day I die.

Nick Vujicic - life without limbs

Another inspiring video...he only really gets into the motivational talk after 6 mins:

"Sunscreen"

Whenever I need inspiration, I turn to Mary Schmich's column on "Sunscreen", which was turned into a song by Baz Luhrmann. I uploaded the clip previously so this time, I'm posting the words instead.


Mary Schmich's column in the Chicago Tribune (1997)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’99, if I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded.

But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind…the race is long, and in the end, it’s only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll have children,maybe you won’t, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on.

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen…

To dream a dream

*Update*

Watch
To see a broken watch in your dream, indicates that you are unsure of your own feelings or how to express yourself. You are experiencing an emotional standstill. Alternatively, it suggests that you have poor time management or that you have lost track of what you have to do. The dream may also be a metaphor to indicate that you need to "watch out".

Geez. Thanks, dream.

###

I've never had a dream where I could predict what was going to happen, but curiously, I had one last night.

In it, I could feel very strongly and intuitively what was going to happen. I knew exactly how the event would unfold and what I'd be feeling in the dream.

It's odd - the dream was odd. It was almost like a movie, aesthetics-wise. The colours, the "filters" were extremely cinematic. Hell, even the sun's rays looked splendid, as did the pouring rain.

Paris
To dream that you are in Paris, symbolizes your need for romance and passion. It also suggests that you are a person of distinction. Your own personal experiences and knowledge of Paris will supercede the suggested interpretation here.

Storm
To see a storm in your dream, signifies overwhelming struggle, shock, devastating loss and catastrophe in your personal affairs. The storm also represents unexpressed fears or emotions, such as anger, rage, turmoil, etc. On a more positive note, the storm signifies your rising spirituality. It could signal rapid changes ahead for you.
To dream that you take cover in a storm, foretells that whatever disturbance or problems is occurring in your life will quickly blow over. Consider also the phrase "weather the storm", which suggests your ability and strength to withstand whatever comes.

Crucifix
To see a crucifix in your dream, is symbolic of new life, spiritual guidance, and liberation. Alternatively, it represents your difficulties and hardships. Do you feel you are being crucified for something occurring in your life?


No wonder...my heart really needs to be still or else I would melt into a pool of anxiety.

Me...a Singapore citizen?

I've been wanting to write an "intellectual" entry about PRs vs Singaporeans in my blog, after reading the extreme comments in the A1 forum.

But when I opened this blank slate, I got too lazy to do so. I already do so much legwork at work, I just couldn't be bothered to replicate it for my blog.

Baarghh, but I have so many views I haven't voiced. Honestly, I was quite flabbergasted and taken aback by some crude and irrational comments.

There's even a thread on "Treating new citizens equally". Why is there such a great divide? Why can't people live and let live...and leave us PRs or foreigners alone? Chill man. We're still contributing to the country in one way or another.

To put it in a nutshell, I've been toying with the idea of taking up Singaporean citizenship.

*gasp*

I know. A lot of people have so much to condemn about this country but honestly, the grass always SEEMS greener on the other side, so green that you don't see that huge patch of dead grass over the hill. There's always a yellow and dry patch somewhere. It's just how you cope with it.

I contribute so much to this country, as much as a citizen would. And to remain as a PR, I'd really be at the losing end in the long run. Plus my Aussie citizenship is some sort of a guarantee....but to what though? In case all else fails in SG? How..if I'm putting in an effort to maintain a stable career and life here? I would have no choice but to succeed in all aspects right?

To cut it short, I'm still toying with the idea. I probably won't make any drastic move till I'm in my late 30s. Coz I assume I'd really, really know what I want by then...or rather, I don't have much of a choice. Ha!

Working in China for a few years is still on my list...I think I really need that exposure. Now, I just need to aim the foreign media and wires...

I skipped dinner tonight and stayed in the office till 10pm - that means I've clocked 13 hours today.

Good. Time to crash.

Three strikes and you're out

Tonight....

I found myself tearing.
I doubted myself.
I felt like I was the only one who was bothered.
I realised I was the one doing the pulling.
I felt desperately lonely.
I realised I was the one trying harder.
I lost confidence in myself.
I realised my trust was spiraling downwards.
I knew that there was nothing you can do coz it's all up to me now.

And tonight, I have no one else to blame...

Oh god how I hate repercussions....if only I could revert, revert, revert back to my nonchalant self.

But I can't, so I told myself:

Three strikes and you're out.

Three strikes and you're out.

Three strikes....

and you're out.

Tonight, I wished I could sleep and never wake up.

Do you know how much work it takes to report something?

Throughout my reporting course over the past 5-6 weeks, I guess I not only learned the basics of reporting in different situations, circumstances and news; I also learnt how one needs to be objective, resourceful, observant, analytical, inquisitive, street smart, knowledgeable and adaptable.

I learned that to be a journalist, you not only need to be able to write decently, but most importantly, you've gotta be thick-skinned, on-the-ball and partly intellectual. Oh, and you've gotta have integrity too.

This profession demands and commands probably almost every single thread of your intellect, your EQ, your IQ, your communication skills, your networking skills, computing skills, writing skills, analytical skills and what not.

Besides the physical demands of running around and being at the scene, the mental demands can also be taxing, i.e. background research, taking notes, observing people and situations, structuring your content, checking and balancing, verifying and validating, and THEN finally writing your story, re-writing, re-writing and re-writing. The worst that can happen afterwards is that your story gets spiked.

So much legwork, so much preparation and so much consideration goes into one story.

Oh and not to mention for those in print newspapers, the story needs to be checked, laid out, re-checked, colour-proofed and finally sent to the press.

Did you know how much sweat it is to churn out a copy daily?

Thank goodness I'm in new media. Ha.

Scars and scabs

I was scrutinising my iPhone air jacket to check out the condition of it after having used it for a month or so.

And then I spotted a slight hairline crack in the corner. This crack might get worse and become bigger, eventually causing the plastic protector to fall apart inevitably; or it might just remain in its current state, just a crack.

One thing about me is that I crave for perfection. It annoys the hell out of me to see a crack, a blemish, a scar or a spot on something I treasure. Another thing is that I've got itchy fingers. When I spot something that shouldn't be there, I start picking on it, especially scabs. Mmm, destructive.

But at the end of the day, the scar doesn't go away and I end up having to look at it all the time.

How apt

I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on. -Oscar Levant

Birthdays aren't happy

How many times must a heart be broken before it fails to hurt?

How many times must one be disappointed before one learns not to expect?

How many times must one love to cease to fall in love again?

Why is it that we fall stronger and harder each time round?

I thought of Moo and Bam over the weekend, when I felt cold from within. I hugged myself thinking I'll find comfort in that but all I could feel were goosebumps all over when the aircon was not even switched on.

I thought that if three of us were to write a novel on our love lives - what a story we'd make. What pains we experienced, what hurt we went through, betrayals, helplessness and loneliness - yet also experiencing unadulterated joy, elation and bliss.

Once more I could feel that pull at the heartstrings; that complex and potent brew of anger, disappointment, trust and faith. I can now say I sort of know how Moo has been feeling and what she's going through, although our situations are very different.

If I fail to laugh from the heart again...
If I fail to be as reasonable or understanding again...
If I fail to trust again...
If I fail to show that I care like I used to...
If I fail to say "I love you" again...
If I fail to smile...if I fail to keep the faith...
If I fail to joke or humour you...
If I fail to be tender...
If I fail to cry again...

It's because I've retreated into my shell and built up a wall once more. Although I have the courage to love again and again and again...I lack the courage to follow through with it.

All this is because you fucked things up.

Happy birthday...I tried my best to make it a good one...but I guess my best just wasn't good enough.

The phantom girlfriend

Who am I trying to kid?

It finally hit me that my existence was purely to fill a gap...that OUR mutual existence was to fill an emotional void, the need for sole attention from someone to instil that feeling of desire and passion, to conjure emotions that never once existed...that in fact, might not even exist, only that we are too immersed in the present to dig deeper into our hearts and analyse why we're doing this. This void..does it really need to be filled?

This other me - this me who lets down my defenses and who chooses not to confront especially when I know I'm right, who allows things to happen without questioning - is really falling into a bottomless pit. Why did I choose to fly? Why did I choose to close an eye?

I'm treading on dangerous ground again.

But having tasted sweetness, it draws one like bee to honey...that sweet temptation that kept repeating in my head to lay down my guard and embrace it all. Ask yourself this: when you've tasted how sweet and alluring something is, do you not find it hard to face the stark reality when the truth stings you in the face?

Honestly, who am I trying to kid? OR...who's the one who's kidding me?

I should not have seen what I saw.

Having seen that only shatters the illusion that we built in such a frantic, desperate and fragile manner.

So who's lying? We all are because we're all still living in the past...and if the past still brings tears to our eyes, the present is only a mere illusion; a diversion from facing the hurt, a distraction that keeps you on your feet, for I am the "time" that will heal your pain and mend your bruised ego, and you are the "time" that fills my emptiness with seductive pleasure and sweet nothings. If we were not supporting each other now, how hard do you think we'll fall?

I am your emotional buffer. I am also the phantom being. I am that person whom many do not know of but shares the same bed as you. I am the ghost, an entity that does not exist in your virtual cyberworld.

But really, I am that person who has tried to remind you numerous times that you can confide in me, that I can be your best friend.

We're just not honest enough though we try to be serious. And you'd rather tell the whole world, except me. You know what's really sad? Is that there's no trust.

But you know what's even sadder?

It's that the goal of all our betrayals is actually "emptiness".

Deux

While I was a thousand miles above ground, increasingly drawing a physical distance between the two of us, I feared that this dream will cease when both our feet touch the ground in this place where nothing exists except sheer reality and pragmatism.

I yearn to run away from here where I feel spied upon; my every move criticised, judged, commented, monitored.

But where shall we go, darling?

If only I could re-live those 10 days, like how it is being replayed in my mind like a record...over and over and over again...I will most probably and finally, be genuinely happy. Perhaps I need to be away from this country, that's all.

Thank you for all the wonderful moments, mini adventures, and endless laughter that rendered a six-pack almost immediately.

I feel loved.

Now, I need to find a place I can call home....returning here was never a joyous occasion.