In my life, I've met many, many, many, many people. Had my ups and downs with them, brushed shoulders with them, and some, I had the opportunity to know them better, but became upset over how ugly most of their characters are.
A lot of unhappiness, resentment, hatred and anxiety brewed over the years and throughout all of this, I sensed loss and pain, but at the same time, kindness and love.
But I feel...no, I know for a fact that I have been deeply unhappy with life, prone to being depressed and exhibit neurotic behaviour from time to time.
The root of this self-centredness and anxiety I've experienced lately, which I've come to understand, is fear. The fear of losing loved ones, my youth, a job, money, and also the fear of death and loneliness has caused an abyss of pain and unhappiness within me.
Why am I emotionally disturbed? Why do I feel innately sad? Who do I want to be at the end of the day? How am I going to cope with the world with such a short-circuited mind? How do I look within myself and teach myself not to fear?
So in order to clear my mind, and seek serenity and harmony, I'm slowly turning to Buddhism - not so much of the religion, but more of the teachings of Buddha.
I've done many things in my life and I've alienated myself from the world. When I stop clinging onto things that are not permanent, I will then be able to overcome unhappiness.
Buddha taught that the main reason why we become unhappy in life is because we fail to realise that nothing can last forever, so we cling to possessions, our youth, happy feelings, our loved ones, in the vain hope that things never change. And when they do, we feel fraught and miserable.
People laugh when I say I want to go for classes. They say I'm crazy and think I'm weird when I say I just want to be contented with life. It makes me very angry but I'm learning not to flare up because anger only makes one uglier.
Sometimes I feel tempted to ask them: Have you not seen how much suffering there is? Or are you just an ignorant soul living in this bubble you've created, which will never exist forever, and will, one day, burst on its own accord.
Your money, your friends, your loved ones, your everything, can be taken from you at any point in your life, and at the end of it all, you only have yourself to live with - penniless, friendless, out of love and lonely. If that day comes, can you cope with it?
They don't know how much pain I've gone through or am going through. I'm not wanting to be holy or seek nirvana. I'm only wanting to be happy and seek harmony within.
If there's something wrong with that, please go *ahem* yourselves and go laugh at other people, thank you very much. Because we all know who's going to get the last laugh.
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