RIP Grandma (260708) - A lesson for the living

Just when I was about to visit my granny on Sunday, she passed away on Saturday. She was diagnosed with lung cancer about a year ago and the doctor had already informed us that she had less than a year to live.

We were never close to the granny on my dad's side, so we knew this granny more than the other one. When we just came back from Australia and struggling to survive in Singapore for a brief period, granny took us in and allowed us to stay with them for many months, before we found a place of our own.

I guess what's most important was how she stumbled upon my mom. No, my mom is not related to my granny by blood but by pure magnanimosity and kindness. See, my mother was found by the drain (literally) by this granny of mine when my REAL granny abandoned her. This was in the 50s when people were recovering from WWII and having to feed another child AND daughter, was simply too difficult to do. My real granny did try to make amends and reconcile with my mom by revealing to her that she was abandoned and in fact, adopted by the woman she had always thought was her real mother, on her 21st birthday.

But her thoughts and actions in reconciling with my mother backfired because my granny disliked her and my mother didn't, wouldn't and couldn't treat her real mother as her real mother, because in the first place, she never played a part in bringing her up and the thought of being abandoned was simply too much to bear.

Well, all this just goes to show how kind-hearted my granny really was. Throughout the 3-day wake, her friends, family and "gambling associates" came by to visit her every single day, without fail. On the funeral day itself, my relatives took leave, woke up early and came by to attend the cremation. I guess most of us were glad in a way that her suffering had ended, not that she suffered much but at least she passed away before the real suffering began.

So throughout the past year (and less), my granny continued what she did best - gambling. And planning her own funeral. She chose what her children, in-laws and grandchildren are to wear (white tops and black bottoms), the photo to use, the clothes she wanted to wear and so on. She knew how she wanted her funeral to be like and she didn't want the rest of us to have to fork out too much money.

Funeral preparations are such a hassle and this is when funeral directors come in to make use of your vulnerability and extort a huge amount of money from you. My relatives contacted Singapore Casket and while settling the bill today, my aunt was told that Singapore Casket had charged them 50% more for the coffin, when in fact the coffin could have been purchased for half that price! Imagine the rest of the stuff they had to pay for! Chinese funerals are such a lucrative trade plus the Chinese are such a superstitious bunch, they'll listen to everything the directors tell them to do.

The first and last days of the funeral are the saddest moments and the days in between were just times for people to bond. I must say that we cousins did bond a little during this time, over folding paper money and just hanging around. This was also a time when you'll start reflecting on your own death and death in general. It was only during these few days that I found out how my dad wanted his ashes to be dealt with and as for my mom, she's so superstitious she doesn't want to talk about her death. I guess she's afraid to die. Sigh. Well at least I know how I want my funeral to be like, but that's a different topic altogether.

The sadness took a few days to sink in and reality only struck at the final moments. The thought that life is just...this. You live your life, you strive and you suffer. At the end of it all, you end up in a wooden box, buried or burnt and that's it. You only exist in memories, an abstract spiritual form, and you should be glad that you even existed at all. Everything you do is in preparation of departing this physical world because death is just the beginning of a spiritual journey of seeking something physical to attach ourselves to.

Sadness only arrived at the last minute as the coffin was making its way into the furnace because the greater the grief, the more one feels sorry for oneself. I have learnt, I know not how, to not grieve too much in events of death and suffering, to understand that life and everything else around us is impermanent, and that by not committing evil and attaining spiritual solace is of the utmost importance. Improving the moral and spiritual quality of life improves life itself and your journey towards death. By living a life of no regrets, can one face death gracefully and painlessly.

This might sound as if I'm trying to attain Nirvana, but it's quite simple: eliminate egotism and desire, have the right aspirations to life and try not to let others suffer for your own self-centred behaviour. It's not easy though. Now I know why I'm an atheist - because I believe in the Dharma - the abstract foundation of the whole universe that exists before time, which is not a person, not physical, does not have feelings but it has the causality: what makes things are and what makes the mind as it is. No, I don't believe in God because God and other religious beliefs are human inventions, created to fulfill various psychological and emotional wants or needs. We need philosophy, not religion. And when we study death, when we contemplate on death, is when we learn the beauty and meaning of life, and how to live our lives.

And I strongly believe in this statement I read in the papers one day: Funerals do not do anything for the dead. Funerals are lessons for the living.

So reflect on love and death every single day; always think of today as your last day.