Birthdays aren't happy

How many times must a heart be broken before it fails to hurt?

How many times must one be disappointed before one learns not to expect?

How many times must one love to cease to fall in love again?

Why is it that we fall stronger and harder each time round?

I thought of Moo and Bam over the weekend, when I felt cold from within. I hugged myself thinking I'll find comfort in that but all I could feel were goosebumps all over when the aircon was not even switched on.

I thought that if three of us were to write a novel on our love lives - what a story we'd make. What pains we experienced, what hurt we went through, betrayals, helplessness and loneliness - yet also experiencing unadulterated joy, elation and bliss.

Once more I could feel that pull at the heartstrings; that complex and potent brew of anger, disappointment, trust and faith. I can now say I sort of know how Moo has been feeling and what she's going through, although our situations are very different.

If I fail to laugh from the heart again...
If I fail to be as reasonable or understanding again...
If I fail to trust again...
If I fail to show that I care like I used to...
If I fail to say "I love you" again...
If I fail to smile...if I fail to keep the faith...
If I fail to joke or humour you...
If I fail to be tender...
If I fail to cry again...

It's because I've retreated into my shell and built up a wall once more. Although I have the courage to love again and again and again...I lack the courage to follow through with it.

All this is because you fucked things up.

Happy birthday...I tried my best to make it a good one...but I guess my best just wasn't good enough.