Alone

[I had planned to post some photos of the 2nd year impromptu "celebration", but decided I had to get this off my chest once and for all.]

As the days go by, I wish I could resume the life I lead. They say Virgos like routines and I suppose it's true, because anything that disrupts it doesn't go down well at all.

Maybe I feel neglected and lonely, hence to me, is a huge shift in my daily schedule. Eventually, one gets sick of waiting for that message, waiting for that call that never comes, but only comes because I initiated it, because I asked for it - which is disadvantageous to me because it makes me look like a loon. Soon, one starts to wonder about a lot of things. Because truth be told, no one can ever be THAT busy or preoccupied to ignore another. Not even the President is that busy and one fucking message won't kill. 

These few weeks - or rather one week - has been a test of my patience and tolerance (as well as my immune system). Some people don't understand that the person left at home, or left behind, is the person who has to go through all the nuances of faking a smile, of trying to be understanding, of trying not to write blog entries like this. Some people don't understand that sometimes one phone call, one text message, one display of attention is all that is needed to reassure another party that everything is okay and drag her out of her ruminations. Some people go on with life forgetting there's someone waiting for them to say "hi" to.

It's been trying. It has. Occasionally, I wake up with a sudden jolt, almost like someone tore something from my body. When I sit up and think why am I reacting this way, I realise that loneliness is gradually creeping in and when that happens, I suppose it sort of kills my soul bit by bit. Especially when it slithers in like that. And that's when things turn ugly - so don't blame me. I think I've been taking the blame for too long.

Sometimes, I have stories to tell, but no one to tell them to. I want to talk about that uncle who said funny things to me, my friend who gave me 99+1 roses and officially said she's sweeter than my girlfriend, a video of my fat-to-thin-and-fat again face, that girl with the hat who gave us a shock when she took of her glasses, that very kind taxi aunty, the general election, a trip in June.....each time I wish to talk about something, I'm greeted with some form of dismissal.

Sometimes I sleep throughout the night without waking up and catching my breath. But it's not without dreams. And when I do wake up, my heart sinks again because I'm still living through what I lived through every night. It took me a week to realise many things, good and bad. It took me a week to foresee the events that will unfold. It took me a week to make many decisions and ponder on things I never wish to think about anymore.

Since when were our roles reversed? Since when did I care too much to care if I was being taken for granted? Since when did I feel the neglect? Why am I thinking of things this way? Why do I think of this? What should I say to make it better? What shouldn't I say to make it worse? Should I say this? Or that?....Anyone would lose their sanity this way, including me.

So tonight, I sit here and wait (again). For what? I don't know. But I've been doing it for weeks anyway. I'll stop waiting after this because tonight, I hope, is different. And a few months down the road, I will look at this episode and think to myself: "What a fucking waste of tears."

I'm finally tired but I'm finally feeling a bit lighter. Tomorrow's the start of a different day and phase. :) It'll be okay.