Last stop

I keep hearing those few words repeating in my head like a broken record, almost like sharp nails on a board, screeching and imprinting itself into me.


And then I realised that all this is an accumulation of bad karma as I see my past reflection - a scene I couldn't grasp now because I have been there, done that, and it's long over. Way over. 


When I was younger, I didn't know what I wanted in life, in love and the people around me. I didn't know that the hearts I broke were in fact the hearts that would love only me for the rest of their lives. Everything was about me - but I was too young to realise, to cherish and to treasure that rare sentiment that happens to only a select few.


So I broke them because I was too afraid of commitment. I literally destroyed them because I wanted my life of partying, of so-called friends who would hang around with me till the sun rose - I wanted a life where I could fall in love with as many people as I want, have tons of friends, kiss as many people as I want, dance and flirt with, have a fling or two, maybe a relationship, maybe not, be the third party, be the fourth. Guy or girl, doesn't matter. Be the person I hated and it didn't bother me. I was self-destructive and imploding within. 


I once told someone: "What do you want from me? This is how I am, this is how I want my life to be. I can't change and I'll probably be like this forever. I can't promise you anything." 


Now this remark is being thrown back in my face. Karma.


After this week, I feel that there's still a small part of me that's still like this. Only difference is: I chose not to let the devil in me own me. And also because I consciously chose not to hurt the people whom matter to me. I've hurt too many.


As I age, I see clearer who I am and what I want in life. But are we on the same page? Maybe in another six years time, yes. I forgot I have been dealing with a mindset that's unsettled. 


Because I see my past reflected, I can foresee the outcome. I was once involved with someone who was six years older. I wanted my life, he wanted forever. Now that I'm in his shoes, I should be smarter.


But I'm not being smart. I've been told to do what's best for me - but what is really best? Seeking happiness or protecting my heart? Can I do both at the same time? 


As everyone around me go round and round, and as I prepare myself for whatever the future holds, I realise: There's no such thing as a last stop.