I hate my old self...

There are two things I hate to talk about:

1. My straight past
2. My depression times and the underlying causes of it

Yes, the above two points were in fact very much part of my life before and it is the hard truth which I have problems facing because when I think of it now, I knew I wasn’t being my true self; I wasn’t being who I was, no matter was it in thought, behaviour, attitude, dressing, whatever. It just wasn’t me and I hated it.

I was so giving during those times. I gave all I could to make others happy, neglecting how I felt and what I really wanted. I, too, went through the homophobic phase, always looking over my shoulder and not wanting my friends around me to know I was gay. And over the recent years, I’ve been so forthright about my sexuality that it becomes something I need to be careful about over here in Singapore.

My personality is one where I’m more or less usually quite positive about certain things, and when I’m not, it’s usually due to lack in self-confidence (especially this freaking project that I’m working on). Otherwise, for situations which I have no control over and when things fuck up, I’m usually quite positive that everything will turn out well. So I’m not really such a negative person after all (so whichever cuntrag who said I was can stick that comment up her arse).

I once gave up on myself. I allowed things to happen to me, good or bad. What a dumbass. Truth be told, I’ve only been comfortable in my own skin for less than 5 years. Other people may have already realized who they truly are by that age, but for me, it was a gradual realization. And if one really communicates with me on a frequent basis, one would come to understand that I hardly bring up my past.

Self-realisation doesn’t happen to everybody and neither does it happen all the time. It’s a long journey that we all embark on and eventually most of us reach a point where we can sit up and say, “What the hell am I doing here?” and “Fuck all this shit”. The rest simply drown in their own shit.

Which brings us to this topic – why am I even in this job? Because of money and all the good/bad things that money brings. If it wasn’t for the dole and the experience, I’ll be a happy Arts student. Well, I still can. The only thing that’s stopping me (such cowardice behaviour) is that the avenue for Arts is terribly restricted and minimal here. You don’t see Singaporean archaeologists digging around do you? Neither do you see historians graduating from NUS.

And it totally sucks shit. Bunny and I should just go and enroll in some Arts course and fuck everything else. Being the practical and realistic Virgos that we are, I doubt this will ever happen in our lifetime.

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I dreamt that I kissed a transsexual last night, someone who had changed from being a female to a male. Here's the interpretation:

To see a transsexual in your dream, indicates that the masculine and feminine aspects of your Self has been damaged. You may be unwilling to confront your shadow self.

Yeah ok, but what about kissing one?

Geez.