How many times do I have to do this before it sticks in your fucking mind to actually BOTHER?
There's no point in telling me that you know. Words are just that and without acting on it, words are then useless.
So what's the point in bothering now? It's quite pointless when I've pointed it out three freaking weeks ago when time after time, I was being told the same thing but then the situation goes back to how it was again!
I believed I've brought it up so many times that I'm beginning to lose count. And it's pissing me off. Previously, I was upset...now I'm just fuming...and then I'm gradually feeling indifferent. Oh good. Finally.
How is it that people who are not close to me remember minor details about me? How is that the person who's supposedly close to me, does not?
Why is it when I kick a fuss, I get some adoration and attention, but then things revert to its previous state?
Why is it that I HAVE to kick a fuss in the first place?
So, don't bother. Really. Why bother now? It's so difficult anyway. It's like squeezing blood from stone.
Plus it's kinda late. I'm giving up.
I have no strength to persist any further. I'm drained from a month of hell.
So just remain status quo and do what you like...coz things won't be the same anymore anyway...
...and I really want to feel better before the 12th. Sigh.
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The strangest thing that happened tonight was that I actually managed to seek solace from my mom. She came over when I was feeling at my worst and handed me a watch.
She said that she had always wanted to give me a present when I graduated from uni and she had promised a watch, but was never able to give me one till now.
Although it didn't cost much and it's not a luxury watch with a fancy brand, I can for once truly say that it really is the thought behind it that made it priceless.
She asked me if I wanted it and while I was fidgeting with it, the thought that ran through my head was that I'll take it because I wanted something tangible to represent her.
My mom is not the type who will shower us with presents but she provided us with all that we ever needed and wanted in life, whether it was material necessities or spiritual support, we had it.
I remember when I was 7 or 8 years old, I bought a porcelain swan from a fete that was held at my primary school in Melbourne. I thought that it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw, so I bought it with the intention of giving it to my mom. I remember feeling very excited and couldn't wait to surprise her.
But it broke on the way home and I remembered crying my heart out. I remember telling her that it was a present for her. I first tasted the cruel bitterness of disappointment - an intense feeling that felt like my heart was breaking - the same feeling I'm getting tonight.
And I think she hugged me.
So for me to hold onto something tangible, despite what the object is, is priceless in its own sense because I know I'll think of her whenever I look at it and I know I'll keep it till the day I die.
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