Nobody's fool

I've ran out of words or rather, energy to even express whatever I want to express. Hell, I'm not even writing properly, just blabbering on and on...

I feel like my heart is raw, ripped out and left in the open allowing me to absorb emotions others are experiencing. I'm absorbing their despair, confusion and helplessness when I myself was experiencing the same over the past two days.

Two days of turmoil...I felt like I just emerged from a washing machine. But I emerged...

Am I not deserving of a little bit of faithfulness, honesty and truth? Why should I condone all that bullshit and subject myself to excuses, followed by more excuses, white lies, followed by tall tales and then illogical stories. I reckon I've gone through enough relationships to see what's worth it and what's not....and it's sad to say, this is heading to the not-worth-it list.

Because for a brief moment, I saw a glimpse of hope. I saw potential, I saw faith and I saw sincerity...before it came crashing down, before I came face-to-face with uncertainty, doubt and insecurity, before I got caught in a web of lies and broken promises. I thought reassurances were enough. Now I know that reassurances are a load of shit coz there shouldn't be a need to reassure in the first place.

So I walked...but I did so dragging my feet because I knew I possess the capacity and heart to forgive; I suppose it's in my nature to. But what I lacked was tolerance. I also felt like a fool and I refuse to be taken as one again.

I dragged my feet and am still dragging it painfully over shattered glass because the love exists, but the trust does not. To walk away knowing that there's still so much love buried is a painful ordeal. I can't recall ever being in this situation before.

This was a relationship I leaped into fully aware of how this girl deals with people's hearts. This was a girl who's every wish I would try to fulfill. This was a girl I was willing to overcome all differences and to work on building something. This was a girl I held back so much but eventually fell in love with, more than I thought I ever would. This was a girl who showed me a gentle and affectionate side to a relationship.

This is the same girl I tried hard to sustain the relationship with over the past month, the same girl whom I cried over during that entire time and the same one who broke my heart.

It shouldn't come as a surprise I suppose. What was I expecting anyway? I've done all I could. I tried mending, I begged for attention when I saw the relationship dwindling, I asked for a bit more effort...and now, in hindsight, I should have left it as how it was...let it dwindle. It seemed like a complete waste of energy now coz at the end of the day, I was going to get my heart broken. Plus I already felt so lonely just a few weeks ago, so what's this compared to that?

There's so much anger brewing inside of me but it's pointless to blow my top. There's no need to question why anymore because I think I've past the point of wondering why, despite all that has happened, why commit something she knew I would absolutely detest and loathe? Why continue hurting me when I was told countless times that I won't be hurt, I won't be hurt, I won't be hurt?

As we grow and move from one relationship to the next, we understand that love is not enough to sustain the relationship. So many factors play a part in keeping a healthy relationship and trust is one big factor. I used to think that love was enough....but that was many years ago.

So I've told myself I need time to heal and to believe again. I don't know how long I'm going to take and I have to do this alone. I cannot afford to entrust myself into someone's hands anymore. I cannot afford to let someone be so careless with my heart.

Hence I'm fingering the last page of this chapter and I'm wondering if I should turn it over for good...