Paperweight

The year's coming to an end and what have I done besides the daily routine of waking up at 7am?

Well, I've finished two units of my masters - three to go before I graduate - took only ONE holiday (KK's not counted coz I was too sick), went for Basic Reporting Course, focused on work, on my studies. I'm currently speed reading books I didn't have the chance to read because of my masters and also kind of speed watching serials and movies...all that I missed out on while focusing on the other aspect of my life.

I see myself racing through this mental, high-strung, must-not-give-up streak, to end up learning that at the end of it all, I learnt nothing.

By the time the year 2009 ends, I would have gone back to square one. I already feel that I'm stepping into a time warp that's transporting me back to 2002, where I did not - or rather, could not - bring myself to dance in the rain, to throw my head back in ecstatic laughter, to climb gates or fences, to drink despite being intolerant to alcohol, to be a bubbly drama queen, to dance myself silly, to kiss for the sake of it, to give free hugs to people who needed it, and finally, to be...content.

I feel too heavy. Instead of a balloon, I feel like a paperweight. Instead of absorbing information, they bounce off my head. Instead of interacting, I retreat. And I've never retreated this way before.

I refuse to do anything. I refuse to meet new people, I refuse to attend events, I refuse to socialise and I refuse to have a heart-to-heart talk, not to mention a tete-a-tete. The me who used to talk freely and openly about life in general...is now clamped up like a spoilt mussel.

I walk the corridors dazed, I walk the streets seeing shadows bouncing off walls, I see you but I do not SEE you. I talk to you but I'm no longer eloquent....don't you see that? I'm having problems communicating and my sentences are broken. Do any of you realise that? I do and it hurts me to know that I can't deliver a full sentence without stumbling from time to time.

This weight is something I've never experienced before. In the past, I could bring myself to speak to it to Moo, to Bam and to whomever I held close to heart. This time, I'm experiencing darkness that's becoming rather overwhelming, intense and my dreams are getting more and more incomprehensible, surreal and extremely weird...no, weird's an understatement.

If I can't even open up to the closest people to me, does this mean that what I'm going through has much darker roots? If I can't bring myself to speak to someone, will I drown in my own nothingness?

This is beyond me; the me who could self-diagnose and "self-medicate". I'm plunging into an abyss of aloofness and I don't give a damn even if there were hands reaching out to grab onto me...I can't even scream for help even if I could, even if I wanted to...cos in the end, I can't be bothered to.