The only constant is change

Do you ever get this aching feeling of nostalgia when you look back at old photos?

Months, years and everything changes. You probably remember almost a year ago, you were experiencing heartache.

Three months ago, your head was among the clouds, you were on cloud nine. Four weeks ago, your emotions were tumultuous and seven hours ago, you were, well, you can't quite remember.

Memories only appear in the form of flashbacks, reminders, long forgotten smells, words, places, people. Memories, often captured as photos, film, dialogues. As thoughts, the timbre of a voice and a book.

But more often than not, the most intangible, yet deeply instilled, is the 'mood' of that moment, those few months before it changes yet again to a different climate, a separate atmosphere.

That ethos, when gone, is gone forever. Those words, those smells, the silhouettes that dance around you, the way you dress, walk, talk...are only constant in that short moment.

The thoughts you had, your mentality, your maturity, the way you approached matters, the way you spoke to strangers, your handwriting, your touch, your gaze..all change as time passes by.

And then you forget. You forget the words, smell, familiarity. You forget the food, places, names and faces. You forget because sometimes it's the only thing left for you to do. You forget because you drag your brush across the easel till the ink runs out and you've got none left to continue painting.

They say the only constant is change...change is the only circumstance that is constant, consistent, unceasing. In a matter of months, we've ran so fast, we fell, picked ourselves up and continued running to an invisible finishing line. I think I've figured how that finishing line would appear to me.

Memories are a reminder that nothing changes except change itself. And if I could sear that mood, that climate, that ethos into the depths of my heart, I would. But I'd rather not. I'd rather forget the atmosphere of a once cherished moment, that unbearable lightness. Forgetting is a blessing...

Because sometimes we refuse to slow down and turn around to see whom or what we left behind...

I know I try

I can't do well when I think you're gonna leave me,

But I know I try.

Are you gonna leave me now,

Can't you be believing now?

I know everything about you,

You know everything about me,

Know everything about us.

I can't do well when I think you're gonna leave me,

But I know I try.

Are you gonna leave me now,

Can't you be believing now?

Fleeting happiness

Looking at that smile reminded me how fleeting happiness can be.

In a moment, it could all be devastated to a meaningless puddle of memories.

In a moment, it could all be shattered by complacency, neglect and self-sabotage.

In a fleeting moment, we are back to how we began...

We never existed.

A lion's birthday

A Leo's birthday is, I've realised, filled with pride; pride that stems from happiness, I suppose.

They're proud that it's their birthday, so they bask in the attention that they get and they're seemingly happy with the gifts they receive.

My girl was beaming from ear to ear when the restaurant we went to surprised (actually I arranged it beforehand) her with a birthday cake, while they played a birthday piano tune. The staff started clapping and the Leo turned, waved and said "Thank you, thank you" assertively and confidently. Typical Leo, but the Virgo me just wanted to crawl beneath the table.

:)

It warms my heart to see her smile, really smile. Although the first birthday together turned out to be disastrous, at least our second one was a simple yet magical affair.

Cake #1:

Wishing real hard...I wonder if your wishes come true if you squint your eyes while making one.

Unwrapping the pressies:

Dinner time:

The oysters were fresh, but it gave me the runs less than four hours later. Maybe it's a combo of the steak as well. Hmm. I'm usually ok with raw food, but not this time.

Cake #2. Aww. Love that beam on the face:

While you made your wish, I wished you all the happiness in the world. Happy birthday. :)

Is your heart an empty journal?

Your heart is but an empty journal in which everyone you open it to shares a page. -Michael Valentine

Precious lil' knick-knacks

While searching for my glass quill from Germany to pen some thoughts into that teeny weeny book, I came across:

- A snowman globe that says: "Our first Christmas together"

- An extremely adorable handmade card from Huddersfield

- A small piece of the Berlin Wall

- A box cover with an Irish proverb written on it

- And a cartoon Roman soldier figurine

I hope you remember how it was...and that we don't lose our way...

It's not that bad

If it's fucked up for you, it's indirectly fucked up for me.

If there's something you can't let go of...well, guess what? It's the same for me.

Whatever it is to you, it is to me.

Remember that.

爱到不可能

I have this dreaded feeling...

That I'm gonna die a lonely old woman with a cat in some retirement village somewhere.

*cries*

No coffee please

I've recently revived my love for tea again. Perhaps it's because tea drinking has been instilled in me since I was young.

Bought 100g of "Sexy Tea" - green tea with citrus.

TWG does have a large range of teas but very limited white tea, my fave type of tea. Their blended teas smell too sweet and not all of the teas come in leaves - you have to buy it with the tin or in gift tins, which are quite costly.

I wanna set up a tea shop. :)

If that fails, I wanna be a florist.

What happens if you can't let go of the past?

What happens if the weight of that burden seems light at times but weighs down on you like tons of bricks, in which you'll have to take them off your back a piece at a time.

I wish I did not have to carry this weight around. It slows me down and it hurts the soul.

It also blinds and binds.

I long to be lifted, weightless, without these bricks...without this, without you.

You always tell me it's the past, but don't you understand that it's the past that affects the present, which in turn, transforms the future.

I am truly wealthy

My trip to Melbourne has been fantastic so far. The most beautiful thing about it is that I get to spend time with Papa Lim and in turn, time with him has brought me down to earth again.

It has reminded me of my time in Melbourne four years ago, which I pursued things I had interest in and was never bothered about money, materialism and superficial issues.

Chatting with my dad has always been an insightful one - we discuss things way beyond the recent TVB drama or which actor/actress is good-looking - instead, we talk about social issues, politics, current affairs and such topics, which I absolutely enjoy.

Time with Papa Lim has reminded me again that money is not everything. I knew this long ago, hence I'm always not rich.

It's funny how, at the same time, I'm reading Paulo Coelho's The Winner Stands Alone, in which he writes about all sorts of rich, successful and beautiful personalities and celebrities during the Cannes Film Festival, who are depressed, lonely and have no friends.

I can have all the money in the world, make a luxury trip here to Melbourne, be chauffered wherever I go, buy all the branded goods I can afford, gamble thousands at Crown, eat all the gourmet food I can get in Australia...but I will never be emotionally fulfilled because my money cannot and will not be able to buy the love, time and effort my friends and family has given me during my time here. (I could maybe "buy" someone's time, but we all know that only lonely people do that).

And I'm extremely thankful for that. The sad thing is, not everyone understands this. I hope they do someday, coz there's much more to life than pursuing the latest trend, the latest pop song and earning loads of money so that people will respect you.

People will naturally love and respect you for you. You won't even need money for people to do so - herein lies true "power"...and that is being truly wealthy.

And I'm wealthy whether I'm in Melbourne or Singapore. Because I have my family who love, protect and care for me..and I have my dear friends who do the same too. :)

No one can be happier than thou. What about you?

A watch can tell much more than time

Today I went to buy a watch for the Old Bean to surprise him when I reach Melbourne.

The dates which I am travelling to Australia coincide with his...hmm, 66th birthday. Gosh. 66 years old!

I bought a watch from Guess - nothing expensive, cost me around $150. It looks classic with roman numerals, face is cream in colour and it wasn't too big. The leather strap is beautiful and the numbers weren't too small for the long-sighted old man he is.

I liked it right away when I set my eyes on it and I knew that it suited him. So within 10 minutes of browsing around, I purchased the watch immediately.

And then I realised...

How simplicity brings about so much contentment.

For once, I do not have to crack my brains so hard to buy something for someone.

For once, I bought something I liked without having to consider whether he or she liked it too or whether it suited her style or taste, because I know that the Old Bean will love it - he loves anything I give him. So does mom.

For once, I could buy something without having to consider the "face value" behind it - whether it was "expensive" enough for that person and hoping it wasn't "too cheap".

For once, I realised how simple some things could be and the joy it brings me...and how I actually miss the simple life.

I've held many types of jobs since I was 16. From waitressing to retail and even to a checkout chick at Coles, I have always strived to earn my own pocket money. Now too, come to think of it.

I know of many people who do not need to have part-time jobs at all but do so willingly because they want to be responsible for their own money and not having to ask the family for it.

As for me, I have no choice.

My family is not rich. We went from middle-class to slightly below middle-class in monetary terms. Giving me $50 a week during tertiary was quite a struggle, especially so if I asked for more.

So I balanced full-time studies with two part-time jobs to try and ease my dad's burden during uni. But I was ultimately helpless at that time and it frustrated me very much, especially during a time when uni grads still don't quite know how to sort out their career paths.

I've seen both my parents struggle financially - mom trying to maintain a mortgage on top of bringing up two children singlehandedly and dad coping with the stress of losing his business, house, family and friends (who at that age have started to pass away one by one). Thank goodness for the pension scheme in Australia.

I saw their difficulties, their pain and also their struggle. And now that I have a stable job, I too, understand how difficult it can be, and I'm already earning much more than they ever did in their entire lifetime.

But despite the nagging worry which also bugs me every month or so, it's the simple things that warm my heart greatly, such as the six hour drive I took with dad to Canberra, the smile of anticipation I saw on my mom's face when she unwrapped my present and the lame jokes my brother cracks from time to time.

It's all these moments which no amount of money can buy, which I deem much, much more important than being rich, more important than buying that Bottega bag I've been eyeing, more important than buying "face value" presents, more important than whether the recipient likes my present or not...

Just a simple $150 watch can teach so much and it taught me that...

The wealth of a person is not measured by the zeros in his bank account, but by the number of loved ones he has by his side.

You can buy me something expensive, but I will never treasure it as much as I treasure the times I have with you.

I had an ex many years ago, who once commented: "Why your family so poor one?" (You see why she's now my EX)

I've got plenty of loved ones by my side who cherish and love me for who I am and how I am. If I were to count them, I'd have to use two hands.

See? I'm definitely bloody richer than you are.

I finally know

Today I wrote an entry somewhere hidden, yet extremely obvious. I hope it's the last time I ever had to say such things.

How many layers are there to it? I may never discover it all. I don't wish to anymore because it's one big hypocrisy. I undermined the possibility of how one could divide one's heart and share it with others.

So that's how it was. I guess I kinda knew. Maybe that's why I'm ok, not entirely, but I'm ok.

I surprise myself sometimes. I'm actually a very forgiving person.

May September this year be a much, much better month than it was last year.

Otherwise, I hope your heart runs empty.

The shift effect

I have a love hate relationship with the morning/evening shifts.

I love how quiet it is at 5am, how I'm alone in the office and in full control of my work pace, how I can indulge in a little peace and quiet when almost everyone is asleep and occasionally a nice breakfast from Macs.

But..

I hate the feeling I get when I knock off at 3pm, how everyone is either still at work or busy with their own matters. I hate that lonely feeling of coming home when everyone seems to be so caught up with other stuff and have sort of "disappeared" around late noon or evening time. I also don't know if I should nap or stay awake to sleep at before 10pm later.

The night shift is a depressing shift too. No one likes stepping out of the office into an empty and dark street, not having a proper dinner, and not being able to do anything after that.

This is just so fucking depressing. And I can tell because I'm hiding in the room with my lights off and I'm not even playing music or doing anything...I'm doing nothing. And it took a lot of energy for me to write this entry.

I'd rather go through PMS.

Virgos are a pain in the ass

They say Virgos are difficult to be with. I say we're just misunderstood whenever we show that we care.

Perhaps overbearing is the word.

5 things you should know before dating a journalist

I find this article extremely hilarious, a bit egoistic, but spot on!

Five things you should know before dating a journalist...

I can think of quite a number of pointers that potential dates should take note of, from my own personal experience:

- You have to be wordly, or at least attempt to be. Because what turns us off is someone who doesn't know tic from tac, or who doesn't possess any general knowledge at all. Come on...we face social, world, and political issues day in and day out...on top of that, we know a bit about sports, law, health, pop and culture. We may not know it all, but we definitely know quite a bit.

- Try not to fix dates on weeknights..chances are we're rushing a job or if your date is an online reporter, it's even worse coz updates need to be made in real-time. So you gotta either push back that dinner date or take a raincheck.

- Don't lie to us coz we'll most likely be able to read between your lies and nuances, and on top of that, dig out some dirt on you and everyone else who's associated. Because like what point #1 in the link mentioned: We already knew.

But honestly, we're harmless. And are mostly misunderstood by the general public. So don't worry about a bad date with a journo...they usually don't have anything stupid to say.

The fragility of happiness

I am truly happy...

...please don't take it away from me.

Mum's the word

Another Mother's Day...yay! The day where mom is always right and thou shalt not piss her off.

Well, she's "right" every other day...so...this day is nothing out of the extraordinary - only difference is we spent time shopping together and having a nice, quiet dinner without the frustrations of a packed and noisy restaurant.

It was quite a beef-laden meal. All three of us had beef dishes I think. But it was yums.

Mummy dearest opening the pressie I got her. She was quite surprised but oh so happy. She guessed that it was a tiny box of chocolate or cake..but no....it was a "smart girl's best friend". :)

Mumsy wanted dessert and I know she likes "traditional" dessert more than anything else, so I suggested we have 雪花冰. Hmm, more like I was the one who wanted to eat...hehe.

Happy Mother's Day to all mothers out there!

A missing earring, an orchestra concert, fantastic dinner and a good night's sleep

I've had this blog for ...wow...four years now and I haven't toyed with the template and settings at all...only to realise that *gasp* Google updated it to make customisation much easier! So I spent a good two hours fiddling with the controls..and ta-da! How do you like my semi-revamped look? :)

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A year has gone by...a tough one so to speak. Why did it progress in this manner though? Perhaps it's for the better? Things do happen for a reason and I suppose it's this...and I'm thankful for everything.

A room with a view:

The handmade card made from vegetable dye from the UK, which the gf bought months in advance and the bling I got for her...which she almost lost one side of it when it dropped onto the escalator!

The poor girl had to miss the first half of the concert while she waited for the technicians to open the escalator to retrieve that small stud.

While this whole debacle was going on, I proceeded to attend the first part of Yo-Yo Ma's Silk Road Ensemble and although I was seething with anger, I was somewhat pacified by the soothing music.

She turned up for the second half, stud still missing, and with both of us thinking of the same thing: Is this a bad omen?

We called security and while he was trying to explain to me that they found 'something', I was yelling at the top of my head because deep down I already felt that the night was spoilt and I was very pissed.

But...He found it! :D We found it..and that tiny stud means so much more now because it symbolises so much and as the gf puts it: "We were lost but we found our way...just like our love."

Aww.

Yo-yo Ma and the Silk Road Ensemble:

The music that night blew me away. It's a pity she had to miss the first half, as I found the music from the Silk Road Suite to be the best and most powerful of all the numbers they played that night. I shall attempt to get the CD to make up for lost music.

Because of the escalator drama and the extended performance (they performed two encores), we missed our reservation at Dolce Vita, so we ended up at Ristorant Bologne, which thank goodness, took orders till 10.15pm.

The food there is good. Quality bread, fish, foie gras, dessert and wine. Pasta is handmade:

Tipsy little? Mmm, probably.

Spot the difference.

Good night world!

Time changes nothing...

Time changes nothing once pain is etched into your heart. You just have to bury it and pray that it doesn't resurface.

But when it does, you just have to find new ways of burying it again and pray even harder it never sees the light ever.

Because there's nothing anyone can do or say that hasn't been done or said. So you face the demons alone.

And there's only one goddamn reason why you're doing this to yourself and you hope it's not because you're masochistic.

You hope that it's in the name of something greater.