I'm becoming a workaholic and everyone sucks

When you have almost nothing else to look forward to, nothing that would appease your soul and find peace within, you start focusing on the supposedly mundane things in life - like work.

I've never worked such long hours till the past few weeks where I would only leave the office when it's past dinner time...and most of the time, it's voluntary. Other times, it's coz I've got fuck loads of work to do. Ending work just a few hours before midnight seemed the norm.

Perhaps work consoles me...because it's the only thing that's certain. Everything else, whether it's tangible or not, is only a passing phase, like a shadow that appears only when there's light.

Loyalty, friendship, love, betrayal, trust, sensitivity, longing, TLC and fun....can all go to hell. Work is perhaps the only thing I can 'trust' now, since I'm in full control.

And it's the only thing I'm in control of these days. Especially when there are remnants of anger, spite and doubt that surface occasionally; residual emotions of a situation gone wrong...a situation where I had no control of, but never did I do any wrong. So why put me through this?

I can trust no one but myself, hence I have entrusted myself to something mundane and monotonous, yet distracts me from all the possibilities of slipping into depression again.

And no, you short, dumb fuck. I DON'T talk to walls. Who the hell gave you this idea AND why the eff did you relate such a horrid story to others?

You know what's the thing I hate about myself? Is that I can make you think I'm ok with you and that everything's fine, without you ever realising how much hatred I bear for you, or how I think you're so beneath me, or how I despise and look down on you.

So watch out. I bite.

Another item to add to my wish list

Three discs this time!! :D

I missed the concert AND the one in 2006, so this is the only form of compensation. #$%^%^&.

Hmm, since she's coming to SG in Feb, I shall (must) arrange an interview with her. Then again, I'd be too nervous to even do my job properly.

What if I pounce on her? Hmm..

Her play is a must. I shall go buy tickets soon.

I knew she was a liar

My X'mas wish list II

When you're given the colours of the rainbow to choose from, which one do you choose?

I finally decided it's time my 4th Gen non-coloured iPod take a loooong rest, considering it's not been soaking up the energy properly each time I charge it. Plus, honestly, it looks bloody ancient on moi - the tech-savvy, social networking chick who refers to her iPhone each time she needs to find out something. *flicks her hair*

So, initially I thought the purple one was nice, then I thought pink was cute, coz I needed a splash of colour. I ended up deliberating with TY and Wah Wah for a looong while, bouncing from purple to pink, and back to purple...and THEN pink again..then blue for awhile, and back to pink.

But when I saw the frontal view of the nanos, I concluded that....

I still prefer monotones and I like the light silver one! Yup, how boring.

I think the light and dark silver ones look nice on a couple - each person holding a different silver version (Ok, how that idea came about, I have absolutely no idea. I just felt the two silvers look good together).

That's it! Silver it is.

GMT

My heart's beating slower...

By eight hours.

三角志

沒有這件事　妨礙我們
難道我和你　又會一樣
就算不是她　也有問題吧
早該分開　不該怪她

即使跟蹤你　來臨案發現場
牢牢看守著你　提防你搭上這一個她
下個她　都會趁我看不到誘惑你
明白如你要這樣己變心　哪到我害怕

就算她跟你有段情　我也為你高興
用第三者身份見證　最不可靠是愛情
我們無人能得勝　再溫馨　仍不夠耐性
捱得到第四者　煞風景

當初喜歡你　其時你有別人
完全都因為我　才完結過去拋低了她
下個她　不過接替我當天那位置
情外情　轉了對象　別要太驚訝

沒有她都會有別人　你我避免不過
混亂間將彼此錯過　有幾多故事最後
愛人仍然同一個　看清楚　誰都會玩過
誰亦曾被騙過　不知道

伴侶再換就更好　還是越來越退步
能讓路還是再倒　就算再三上訴
你爭我奪投進誰懷抱
誰話愛你注定好心好報

第四者跟你有段情　我也為你高興
外遇萬千燦爛像繁星　可惜那併發症
我們無人能得勝　再溫馨　仍不夠耐性
捱不到第五者　煞風景

Status updates

KW Lim doesn't know how much she can take, she just wants you to stop lying ONCE and for ALL.

KW Lim reckons you're still lying...yes, still.

KW Lim finally poured her heart out. She now needs it to be filled since it's empty.

KW Lim cried again but not enough to cease crying once and for all.

KW Lim is hurt.

KW Lim is physically drained from emotional strain.

KW Lim is being brutally honest to herself.

KW Lim just sent the longest email in her entire life.

KW Lim cried at work and no one saw (thank goodness).

KW Lim is really not ok.

KW Lim was feeling murderous before, now she's just...bleah.

KW Lim refuses to meet people. It's a sign that she's slipping into depression again.

KW Lim has been working for around 11 hours the past few days and loving it.

KW Lim loves to rest at home with nothing but her book and laptop.

KW Lim is suffering from PMS again.

KW Lim just wants to be left alone. Bugger off.

KW Lim needs "heartbreak leave".

KW Lim wants.

KW Lim doesn't want.

KW Lim misses.

KW Lim doesn't miss.

KW Lim really doesn't need new distractions.

KW Lim should really heed Moo's advice and remain a bachelorette.

KW Lim is being emo. So what?

KW Lim wants to forgive in case she dies tomorrow.

KW Lim doesn't really care if she dies tomorrow.

KW Lim wishes tomorrow never comes.

KW Lim is suffering from a massive headache and shall head to bed...good night peeps.

Vortex

If whatever you've told me is true, then I must have seriously misunderstood you.

But because of a moment's fear, because of your naivety, you created a vortex of cover-ups in which everyone got sucked into. Rather than treating me as your closest confidante, you chose to embark on a different path with consequences you know you had to bear. Rather than running the risk of a major fight between us, you chose to let her manipulate you, and once she started, there was no end...till now.

I wish I could tell you that I forgive you. But I don't. I don't forgive you for sidelining me before you made that choice of yours. I don't forgive you for not raising the alarm about her earlier, way before she could put her filthy paws into this. I don't forgive you for agreeing to her conditions.

It was a CHOICE. No matter how much threat you faced, it was still a choice. Yes, you chose to give in to protect me from whatever emotional damage she might do to me, you chose to cover up so that I would never know when it blew over, when it was over and done for. You chose to take a risk.

But has it not dawned upon you that I was already slowly dying day by day from all the stories you weaved, from all the pain inflicted because of all this? Have you not realised that your choice was the reason why it was so hard for us in the first place? Because you made it worse, you made it so difficult to be with you, and you made it so difficult to believe because of your stupid, silly decision.

You tread too carefully and the chances of slipping are higher. It was carelessness and recklessness on your part.

If I said I want to start all over again, I would be lying to myself because I know certain things are way beyond repair.

Such carelessness and recklessness

With all your well-dressed lies, you put a seven-layer salad to shame.

What you said is true - I deserve someone better. There's not a single soul I know who has told me otherwise. Not a single one.

That's pretty pathetic.

And just when I thought it was over, I came across another letdown when I was attempting to do something out of goodwill.

Please remind me never to be kind.

And seriously, don't try explaining to me again...coz you had your chances but you blew it. Many, many times.

Skin's Nothing But redux

FML

You know this period in your life is fucked because you placed an order, the kitchen didn't get it, so you placed another one.

Then the wrong food arrived, followed by the wrong bill. You asked for the right one and gave them your credit card.

Then the wrong bill with the wrong amount comes back, with your card already swiped.

FML.

The greatest letdown

Out of the gazillion lies and disappointments that ensued, the ultimate letdown, the greatest upset and disappointment, is that I chose to believe when she begged me to let her prove herself, to prove her worth, her love, her fidelity and genuinity before the year ends.

This is the greatest disappointment out of the web of lies that entangled me and dragged me, heart and soul, into her games of deception.

And then I realized they belong together coz whatever reasons/excuses they proclaim to me, are romanticized and laced with notions of nobleness, sacrifice and whatnot.

But to me, they're spouting nonsense. Don't pretend to be a saint when your sole purpose is to save your sorry ass.

To quote an old cliche - birds of a feather, flock together - and you guys belong together. Good riddance.

I don't need your care and concern. Save your tactics for the next victim, they don't work on me.

Well, they do actually. But not from you. Ever again.

Fuck you very much.

I finally found what I was looking for.

Evidence. Dated merely two weeks ago.

Like I said, I will never slander someone without concrete proof. And now that I found it, my heart crumbled, rendering my entire body lifeless, limp, broken. Like I said, my world crashed down many times this year and this time, it's like armageddon all over again.

Time after time, I chose to believe. Time after time, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Few months down the road, I really believed...but only for awhile until evidence kept piling up. And till tonight, I found what I was looking for.

Your confession, her confession, your confession to your friends (oh how you gloat about it). Congratulations. You've won. You're the ultimate player and I'm the fool for once. Let me wipe my tears first before I hand you your freaking trophy. Oh no, wait. She's got a 'present' at your place right? Ha. That's your trophy.

Have I not been good enough? No I don't think so. In fact, many people would envy the position you're in.

Am I not pretty enough? Yes, I may not be. But there will always be pretty people around and you can't have them all no matter how good looking you think you are. Coz you know what, you'll age like me, you'll fall out of love like me, you'll get hurt like me and you will NEVER find love (unlike me). Yes I'm cursing you.

Have I not been sincere enough? I have. Always have. In fact, I went OUT OF MY WAY to help you, to support you, to make sure you were doing fine. I struggled night and day with your assignments, lost sleep, shed countless tears for the fucking big disappointment that you are.

And all I wanted was to ensure our relationship would be a happy and stable one, with a strong foundation. I was so cautious of stepping into it initially and when I did, I gave it my all, without holding back.

How naive.

What about you? What have you done besides cooking up stories and lying through your teeth a zillion times, through and through..over and over again? What have YOU done to show that "you love me always", "you mean so much to me", "I have nothing to hide"...la di da di da....I wanna laugh. I really do.

You know what's REALLY hilarious? Is that she wants to meet me to explain things? Hello?? Why would I wanna meet you. Seriously. Funny thing is she wants to tell me the whole story. Should I thank her for having the courage to own up? Possibly coz unlike you, she's got more balls. She really wants to meet. She's telling me "if you really love her then let me have a chance to explain".

So now she's acting all noble - saying things like "this will be the first and last time we'll meet.. just want a nice end to me and her, if you really love and care for her and don't want to lose people who love you so much still, then please give me a chance can?"

Seriously, WHAT NICE END? Best of both worlds right? If I was vindictive enough, I could easily find out who her gf is and give her a hell of a good time, like what I'm going through. But no. Albeit occasionally a tad bitchy, I'm not a bitch.

What about MY nice ending? Seriously, can someone get the BITCH OFF MY BACK?

Oh wait...TWO bitches.

Get them off of me. Please. I need my life back. I need my happiness back. This half of the year has been a total waste of time.

Maybe I deserved it... for being utterly stupid, tolerant and way too soft-hearted. Maybe I deserved this ending for being fucking naive.

Maybe I deserved it for falling in love with the wrong person. It is truly and utterly pointless.

Fuck you very much.

Ditto

You reminisce on times spent together while you flip through old albums. You lament about love lost and how you're heart has not settled over time.

You probably miss the moments where you had nothing to worry about, you felt happy, secure, safe. You look at how close and tight knit you guys were, how outings with friends were joyous occasions with no suspicions, no politics. You share the same friends - birthdays, anniversaries, surprises, countless dinners and catching up sessions.

You looked back at your holidays together, your future plans, how your world was moulded into one...and then you look at the present and saw a stark contrast; you feel empty, unsatisfied and hoping you'd finally forget the damage, the requited love, the unconditional promises that were never fulfilled.

You look at the present and wished you lived in that one world where you did not have to code switch back and forth, where you felt safe and comfortable enough to communicate your woes and troubles, that you did not have to hide your emotions and relate your true thoughts, your real feelings, your perception of the ongoing events.

But hasn't it dawned upon you that this is exactly how I feel too?

###

My world crashed down countless times this year...I don't know if I have the heart and strength to grit my teeth and hold it up again.

Why don't you do it for me? Make my happiness last, will you? Coz if you can't, I'll have to do it myself..on my own.

Love this new arrangement...

Very chill...does Ministry of Sound ring a bell? Hotel Costes maybe?

I'll be missing...

(This pic looks strangely familiar...).

As you triapse the steps at Montmarte,

Hide from the cold in London,

Feel the cool wind bite in Berlin,

And marvel at the colosseum,

Remember that...I'll be missing.

When you roam the unfamiliar streets,

Cursing at your tired feet,

Wishing there was warmth,

Away from the brewing storm,

Remember that... I'll be missing.

As you lift your head to look at gargoyles and statuettes,

Ancient mosaics and all things archaic,

Remember that... I'll be missing.

When you feast on baguettes and pastries,

Washed down with cafe au lait or your favourite dairy,

Remember that...

If I could...

I'd rather be holding you,

Travelling in the subways of Paris,

Marveling at the churches in Rome,

Buying union jacks in London,

And tracing the Wall in Berlin...

Than to be sitting here,

Trying not to tear,

With a cigarette dangling,

And my mood dampening.

Remember that despite it all,

These trying months with moments where I'll fall,

Despite all the crying and the failings,

I will still, and indefinitely, be missing...

An accidental tradition

I wish I could spend Christmas like how I did the past few years.

Paperweight

The year's coming to an end and what have I done besides the daily routine of waking up at 7am?

Well, I've finished two units of my masters - three to go before I graduate - took only ONE holiday (KK's not counted coz I was too sick), went for Basic Reporting Course, focused on work, on my studies. I'm currently speed reading books I didn't have the chance to read because of my masters and also kind of speed watching serials and movies...all that I missed out on while focusing on the other aspect of my life.

I see myself racing through this mental, high-strung, must-not-give-up streak, to end up learning that at the end of it all, I learnt nothing.

By the time the year 2009 ends, I would have gone back to square one. I already feel that I'm stepping into a time warp that's transporting me back to 2002, where I did not - or rather, could not - bring myself to dance in the rain, to throw my head back in ecstatic laughter, to climb gates or fences, to drink despite being intolerant to alcohol, to be a bubbly drama queen, to dance myself silly, to kiss for the sake of it, to give free hugs to people who needed it, and finally, to be...content.

I feel too heavy. Instead of a balloon, I feel like a paperweight. Instead of absorbing information, they bounce off my head. Instead of interacting, I retreat. And I've never retreated this way before.

I refuse to do anything. I refuse to meet new people, I refuse to attend events, I refuse to socialise and I refuse to have a heart-to-heart talk, not to mention a tete-a-tete. The me who used to talk freely and openly about life in general...is now clamped up like a spoilt mussel.

I walk the corridors dazed, I walk the streets seeing shadows bouncing off walls, I see you but I do not SEE you. I talk to you but I'm no longer eloquent....don't you see that? I'm having problems communicating and my sentences are broken. Do any of you realise that? I do and it hurts me to know that I can't deliver a full sentence without stumbling from time to time.

This weight is something I've never experienced before. In the past, I could bring myself to speak to it to Moo, to Bam and to whomever I held close to heart. This time, I'm experiencing darkness that's becoming rather overwhelming, intense and my dreams are getting more and more incomprehensible, surreal and extremely weird...no, weird's an understatement.

If I can't even open up to the closest people to me, does this mean that what I'm going through has much darker roots? If I can't bring myself to speak to someone, will I drown in my own nothingness?

This is beyond me; the me who could self-diagnose and "self-medicate". I'm plunging into an abyss of aloofness and I don't give a damn even if there were hands reaching out to grab onto me...I can't even scream for help even if I could, even if I wanted to...cos in the end, I can't be bothered to.

Sunday bloody Sunday

Am I smart or do I just have strong intuition?

Thanks for spoiling my Sunday, bitch, with your false alarms and cries of help. If you could drag your ass to the hospital, I'm sure you can drag your sorry ass home.

It's gonna be over a year since all the nonsense started, so stop it and give me some peace.

I NEED SOME FUCKING PEACE. I really do.. I don't want to always feel unsettled and watching my girl being manipulated like that.

At the end of all this, I realised I really hate 2009. First this, then that, that again, this again, and then THIS AGAIN. It never ends does it. Honestly, give me some peace will you? ALL OF YOU?

Pathetic piece of conniving shit. There's a reason why your friends are no longer your friends.

Here we go again...fantastic.

Here we go again, folks. My love life's fucking hilarious. It's a fucking joke. Here's why:

My girlfriend has failed miserably. She's a compulsive liar. Yes, a true blue COMPULSIVE one. I've never met anyone like that.

She forgot that my profession is to dig out stuff others can't seem to dig out. She also forgot that I'm resourceful and I have my ways. She forgot that I will never falsely accuse without evidence...because hey, I can get my pants sued off.

What she truly forgot was to be honest and forthright.

Honestly, there's no point trying to tell me stories cos I can see through most of her lies and tall tales. There's also no point telling me white lies or choosing not to reveal something because things would be much better if she had. I wouldn't mind a lot of things but I guess she doesn't know me well enough.

Yes, I've been innately unhappy. I should shed this facade...this mask of smiles in front of her. All these lies and senseless stories are getting to me.

It shouldn't be like this...gosh she should go and try out as a storyteller. Write a novel while you're at it, why don't you?

I've been transparent all this while. I've been honest all this while..ok maybe 90%. And then I forgot not everyone's like me...in fact, everyone has lots of secrets to hide. I do too...but I was honest and transparent with almost everything.

Nothing beats this...seriously. To even have to spin a story?! Even after interrogation? She beats everyone hands down. Bravo!

When I found my source and proof, it rendered me speechless. Well done. Really. Only you can do something like that. And you know what? You win.

One month down the road and nothing changes. No lessons learnt, no one takes heed.

Not even me...

Seriously, honestly....Fuck My Life. Fuck hers too.