Path

Each day happens because everything I had gone through was a path that led me to you.

Nostalgia is denial

"Nostalgia is denial - denial of the painful present... the name for this denial is golden age thinking - the erroneous notion that a different time period is better than the one ones living in - its a flaw in the romantic imagination of those people who find it difficult to cope with the present..." -Midnight in Paris

Porcelain swan

It must have been the summer of 1987. I know this because we are in our new house at 9 Jacaranda Drive, Mill Park. And it must have been summer because I can see the golden sun rays of the bright Aussie sun shining in to the kitchen window, bouncing off the reflective stainless steel fittings at the kitchen sink. My mother is standing next to it, preoccupied with her chores.

I approach her slightly, but stop a distance away at the kitchen bench. I lean against the bar stool, feeling the mustard coloured leather beneath my fingers. I'm barefooted, enjoying the coolness of the rubbery tiles in the family room. The sliding door is open, allowing the balmy breeze from the backyard to permeate through the fly screen that separates the hall from the garden, where there have been plenty of failed attempts at growing plum trees, lemon trees and whatnot. 

The television is on - it must be Sesame Street because it was a daily ritual to catch the puppets after school around three o'clock - but all I hear are muted sounds as I watch my mum at the kitchen sink. She doesn't notice me - her focus is on cleaning the dishes leftover from my afternoon tea. It's usually oatmeal porridge on days when she's uninspired and sometimes plain congee with canned pickles, preserved tofu or black bean sardines. Fried rice means she's energetic but also means dinner will be a smaller portion and lacking in variety.

I try to speak to her but she doesn't hear me. She turns, backfaces me, and walks to the kitchen stove. It looks as though she's preparing a meal for my baby brother, or maybe dinner before my father reaches home from work. I watch her in the kitchen, turning with such precision, avoiding the handles of pots and possible mishaps. Her movements are graceful, well-timed and it's almost as though she's doing a dance in a rightful kingdom where she belongs.

The phone rings and she prances over to answer it. I don't know who's on the other side of the line but she starts chatting and laughing wholeheartedly - her laughter ringing through my ears like the chimes of a triangle instrument, over and over again, soft and light yet sophisticated.

As I watch her move and listen observingly to the timbre of her voice, I become overwhelmed by her grace and femininity, an indescribable aura that exudes from just one woman. For that one moment, I thought to myself: "When I grow up, I want to be like her."

My school held a fete one day. Families had set up stalls that sold secondhand books, potpourri, candy floss, toys and other memorabilia. I chanced upon a silvery lavender coloured porcelain swan with a long neck. It was meant to hold coins as there was a black rubber stopper underneath it, but I saw that it'd make a rather nice ornament instead. The swan, to me, symbolised my mum - graceful, motherly, gentle. Without hesitation, I gathered all the coins I could from my coin pouch, barely having enough to purchase the porcelain swan for $5.

I hid it in my schoolbag and waited on the chapel porch for my mum to fetch me from school. When I arrived home, I reached into my backpack, eager to surprise her with a gift I thought was beautiful and represented her. As I pulled the transparent plastic box out, I saw, to my dismay, that the neck had given way and the swan was now broken into two. In that instant, I let out a cry and felt a hot stinging sensation in my eyes. 

My mum came over and comforted me, telling me that I'm such a silly girl and persuading me not to cry. She said she's touched that I would have thought of buying something for her. My tears flowed without hindrance and as they did, I told her that the swan represented her and I really wished for her to have it. I suppose I was so disappointed, I blocked my memories from what happened after. I don't remember what happened to the swan. It probably ended up in the bin. 

It's many years later now and I see her at the kitchen again, washing dishes at sink, looking pensive. She's 70 and her mane of black hair is now white. She has cut it short but it's still wavy. She looks tired now, yet still exudes a certain strength and certainty. I can see the wrinkles etched onto her face, whispering stories of unspoken emotions, pain, suffering and unconditional love. I must have seen her in a different lifetime, a different parallel because I am still 30 years old. 

Through this vision, I sense a certain courage, so I opened my mouth to say: "Please rest now. Let it go, let everything go."

She finally looks me in the eye, turns to me and says: "Please be happy. Don't be so hard on yourself; don't make the same mistakes I did. Look after yourself."

###

The imagery fades and I return light-hearted and warm. 

A dream I had one night reaffirmed my buried emotions for her and strained relationship we have. I dreamt she died. I was devastated, yet felt strangely strong because Bam was around to comfort me and provided me with emotional support. The next thing I knew, my mum resurrected and was looking for me to be by my side again.

I believe I've forgiven her, or at least am learning to because I remember I once told myself: "I want to be like her one day." And yet, I too said before that "I never want to make the same mistakes she has."

It has, in some way, became a self-fulfilling prophecy because yes, I am slowly becoming like her, but without the flaws which I hate so much, which have pushed me to the brink of insanity too often before. I know I have to let go of my state of mind, my deep resentment for her and my current inability to communicate like before. This crack has existed way too long but I am seeking ways to mend it before it's too late. 

Maybe someday, I'll surprise her again with a porcelain swan.

One

It feels like it's been a long while...happy monthiversary my sunshine.

Impressions

Unbridled joy :)

Incepted

My first deva therapy session was a powerful and traumatic one. So much so that deep inside I'm a little afraid of what the second session might bring.


My subconscious mind showed me these...

Peace. A green field on top of a mountain. I'm facing snowcapped mountains in the distance. My arms are wide open, my head thrown back, I'm smiling and soaking in the sunlight. There's a light breeze and I feel it in my fingers and hair.


I'm feeling free and my mind is blank.


Higher self. Small dim round light, very far away. Can't reach it, can barely see it there. It comes nearer and then goes away. My mind is blank. The light transforms into a candlelight flame.


I see R's face. Soft and transculent, peaceful and calm. 


What message does she have for you? She says: "Do not be afraid of falling. Learn to love yourself."


Suddenly I'm standing next to grey concrete wall. The wall is on my left. I'm jumping up and down, trying to reach her hand. She's reaching down but I can't touch her anymore as the wall gets higher and higher.


I start to panic. I feel desperate.


When was the last time you felt this? Flashback at East Coast Park. We're facing the sea in the darkness. All I see is your backview. You're talking about separating. I start to panic and feel desperate.


Go back further in time. 


2002: South Yarra apartment. Housesitting for P and her friend (I don't remember his name) is housesitting with me. 


[I will not relate the episode here]



Scared. I locked all balcony doors, switched off all lights, switched on small lamp (far from
window), lay in bed, started crying – cried for very long – cried the next day, still in bed, slept
entire day. I didn’t switch on the light at night.  Looked out of the window for his car. I didn’t call or
message anyone – hid in house for two days.


Where is this memory stored? In my stomach.


Heal: White flat light coming to me like cross-section. Big Bang, huge circle of light – expands out in
great force.


Disgust: Blue fish wriggling around. 


Release it into the ocean of compassion and forgiveness. Fill the stomach with the ocean.


Visualise his face: I've forgotten his face but it reappears. He's standing against a white light. Another white light is shining on the right side of his face from the bottom.


What do you want to tell him? Nothing. What are you doing? Smiling at him. I have nothing to say.


He dissolves into the white light. The white light is healing my stomach.


R's face appears again. She says: "Take care."

###

I can't believe you've incepted my subconsciousness.

Bringing Bali's peace back

As I left for Bali airport after a two-night stay all alone in a foreign country, a sign before my destination read: "Thank you for visiting. May Bali's peace be with you." 


Indeed, its peace remains in my heart till now. A quiet three day trip around the peaceful roads of Ubud has left me with calm serenity and quiet confidence within. 

Sitting at random cafes and restaurants to rest my tired feet, hanging by the roadside watching mongrels crossing the streets, exploring quaint little gift shops, climbing down steep steps to a 16th century temple, buying medicine to curb my runny nose, having a cat accompanying me while I lunch by a rice field and constantly having thoughts of my loved ones running through my mind, hoping they're not too worried, are feelings which I cannot describe with words. 

Being completely and utterly alone (bare faced as well) is a wonderful thing. And it'll probably be a venture I would like to do every year, if possible. Perhaps it helps that Bali is such a spiritual and friendly place too.


On the first night, I attempted to do a little bit of writing, only to realise I had nothing to write about, simply because my heart was too calm - I wasn't overly excited and happy, and neither was I down. I didn't even need to meditate. A veil of calmness fell over me naturally once I landed that afternoon.

It's almost as if I wasn't afraid of anything, including the little critters that were everywhere - bugs, insects, snakes, huge wasps, spiders. I was almost fearless, to a certain extent.


While going around alone, I ended up chatting with a few people from the hotel and even some people at the airport. When you're all alone miles away from home, anything goes. 


Bali, I promise you I'll return for a third time. 

Upon arriving back home, I was greeted with a pleasant surprise at the airport. :) Thank you. And thank you for respecting my need to make this trip. 

"As I wandered around alone, I realised didn't miss you a single bit. Because you were right beside me all this while, guiding me back home."

My safe haven

You are my safe haven. With you, nothing will go wrong. <3

(I can't help it. It's my favourite pic!)

Goodbye 20s, hello 30s

As a decade of my life ends, a new one unfolds - goodbye and good riddance to a very eventful 20s - a tumultuous one where I suppose one of life's greatest lessons are learnt. As years go by, I try to be a better person, a less angry, less impulsive person. I try to minimise my cynicism and hatred that I had. But my past darkness still clung on. For ten years, I grappled with all that.

Now that I say hello to my 30s, I see clearer now what kind of person I've transformed into. I see now what I am, who I can be and what I can do. I see now that despite the many disappointments thrown into my life, I've walked alone and took on the challenges. I see now what I need in me to remain confident and this confidence, I hope, will translate into a more meaningful new decade.


In the next ten years, I will smile, laugh and cry harder.
In the next ten years, I will dance like I was 18. 
In the next ten years, I will love like I was 16. 


I will do all this because for the past ten years, I did not crumble into a pile of mess. I did not question myself "what am I doing here" or "why am I doing this". Instead, at this juncture in life, I am telling myself "I know where I am" and "I know what I'm doing".


And with this, I am happy. But happiness, as like sadness, are moments that will pass. The only thing that anyone can do is to treasure the present. 


So here's a formal goodbye to my 20s - to the many useless people I've met (but thank goodness to the few loved ones I've met), to the reckless self that I was and to the quasi-quarter life crisis I experienced.


And hello, 30s. Life gets better from here. :)

I love my 30th birthday present. I do.

Out and in

The way out of my heart is to show me what a disgusting character you have.


And the way into it is through laughter, smiles and lightheartedness. Life should just be like that. Thank you for turning my world around and bringing sunshine into my life. Sunshine without the long shadows that it casts. 


I don't need a parachute if I've got you... :)

下個星期去英國

你收了行李下个星期要去英国
遥远的故事记得带回来给我
我知道 我想要 却又不敢对你说 
因为我已改变太多 

你改了一个名字已准备好工作 
你开始了新的恋情有一些困惑 
我知道 你想要 却又不敢对我说 
因为你已改变太多 

你写了好几首 属于你的歌 
 这样的歌隐藏了太多苦涩 
我知道 你想要 却又不敢对我说 
因为我曾是你 我曾是你 无话不说的朋友 

因为我们改变太多

Purge

As usual, a chapter closes and another one opens. But unlike the past, this time I'm not afraid of taking one step further into the unknown.


Moving on is less scary this time. Maybe the faith I failed to have previously and was told umpteenth times to have it has finally been transferred to me through the form of finalisation. And due to that, it exudes an energy that welcomes positive attraction. 


I think now that I'm in the process of healing, I'm also preparing to love again and this time, it'll be bigger and better (I don't know why I still have so much love to give. I should use it for better causes, I reckon).


Maybe spending some time alone in Bali might work. I used to like to wander around when I was feeling sad and in need of some companion. Now, I'm - may I stress - happily wandering off to sort my mind, compartmentalise it a bit and let go of ghosts and shadows that I've lived with for such a long time. Spend three days absolutely alone, wandering aimlessly, lying by the beach and do nothing. Probably start to meditate too. I think I'll be pretty happy.


They say every relationship, every person you meet in life teaches you something. This time I've learnt I can be happy on my own. This time I've learnt how it's like to put 101 per cent of my heart. And I'm going to do it again. 


Time to purge my darkness out, time to purge my cynicism and negativity, time to purge everything out of my system, and most importantly, time to purge her out forever. 


Once that's done, I'll be ready and this time, I WILL be cherished. Nothing has been this crystal clear for a long time. :)


I'll keep walking, never turning back and perhaps someone worthy will come along. And to those who have been next to me every step of the way, you have my eternal gratitude. 


Wait for me.

My first regret

The night I packed my belongings and opened the door to walk out of the room at Fullerton Hotel two years ago was the day I should have left and never turned back.


I never have any regrets in life, except this. I curse the days I never walked away when they were presented to me so MANY times. So many I can't even begin to count.


If this is how it's like to be with you, I'd rather be alone.


And Karen, you're fucking stupid. 

I'll pack you in a box

Two years ago, I had foreseen the events that might unravel if I were to take the plunge. Two years later, what I foresaw came true.


Whatever reasons that delayed my initial enthusiasm are the same reasons that are being thrown onto the table today. Age, insecurity, distance and so on were some of the issues that I grappled with. And when I took the plunge, I did so, stripped bare to my naked soul. Now that all is exposed, more gets concealed.


Life is about moving on, not remaining stagnant like a puddle of water that refuses to dry up. Every single thing, tangible or not, is impermanent. It's easy to rationalise with oneself but battling rationality along with emotions is an uphill fight.


People enter our lives for various reasons: I know my existence was to propel people to reflect about their lives and to chase their dreams. In return, I am rewarded with nothing. What was your purpose in my life then?


I've been told many times to protect my heart but I ended up protecting someone else's. Instead of preserving my sanity, I lost my mind for the sake of my heart, rendering an unrecognisable me in front of the mirror. What I've wanted, what I don't want, I learnt that from someone. I see now how it's like to protect yourself and while doing so, forsake others. I will be selfish from now on because some part of me died.


A mask I've been wearing for some time is slowly being peeled off. I will learn to be selfish because I see its benefits now. I will not harbour the resentment anymore because the anger inside is eating me up. I will learn to disappear and I will move on with life. I was always here holding on to the remaining piece of string and now, I think it's time to let go of it.


Two years down the road, a crosspath is thrown in front of me which I will unwillingly have to choose one path or the other - both leading to the same destination. A lone path shrouded with willow trees perhaps? At least there are trees.


If, my dear reader, you are wanting to catch the piece of string I'm letting go of, I hope you don't see my name written there, because that bit of string was once attached to me - me a part of it and it a part of me - something no one can deny, something that will not cease, at least for now.

And if in the future, nothing else will bind us, at least I know that love did and will, although it will be packed in a box and stashed in one of the many shelves in our hearts.

I have nothing to lose from smiling, so smile, I will.

As long as I can feel you holding on...

Falling a thousand feet per second, you still take me by surpriseI just know we can't be over, I can see it in your eyesMaking every kind of silence, takes a lot to realizeIt's worse to finish than to start all over and never let it lieAnd as long as I can feel you holding on I won't fall, even if you said I was wrong
I'm not perfect, but I keep trying
'Cause that's what I said I would do from the start
I'm not alive if I'm lonely, so please don't leave
Was it something I said or just my personality?

What are we fighting for?

I didn't know an impending departure could lead to implosion and deconstruction. That's a hell of a lot of energy between us. 


Too much of a good thing is actually not that good at times. 


Right now I feel like a little child who was given sweets but had them stolen from me before I could finish tasting them. And then I'm told, if I behave, I'll get my sweets back in time to come, but I'll have to wait.


So I'm just standing there at the street corner, hanging around, and waiting for my sweets to return.

8.16.2011

On this special day, someone special was born. I wish that special someone an especially happy birthday.

May your wishes come true. Remember that you'll always be special in your own special way.

XOXO, K. ♥

Last stop

I keep hearing those few words repeating in my head like a broken record, almost like sharp nails on a board, screeching and imprinting itself into me.


And then I realised that all this is an accumulation of bad karma as I see my past reflection - a scene I couldn't grasp now because I have been there, done that, and it's long over. Way over. 


When I was younger, I didn't know what I wanted in life, in love and the people around me. I didn't know that the hearts I broke were in fact the hearts that would love only me for the rest of their lives. Everything was about me - but I was too young to realise, to cherish and to treasure that rare sentiment that happens to only a select few.


So I broke them because I was too afraid of commitment. I literally destroyed them because I wanted my life of partying, of so-called friends who would hang around with me till the sun rose - I wanted a life where I could fall in love with as many people as I want, have tons of friends, kiss as many people as I want, dance and flirt with, have a fling or two, maybe a relationship, maybe not, be the third party, be the fourth. Guy or girl, doesn't matter. Be the person I hated and it didn't bother me. I was self-destructive and imploding within. 


I once told someone: "What do you want from me? This is how I am, this is how I want my life to be. I can't change and I'll probably be like this forever. I can't promise you anything." 


Now this remark is being thrown back in my face. Karma.


After this week, I feel that there's still a small part of me that's still like this. Only difference is: I chose not to let the devil in me own me. And also because I consciously chose not to hurt the people whom matter to me. I've hurt too many.


As I age, I see clearer who I am and what I want in life. But are we on the same page? Maybe in another six years time, yes. I forgot I have been dealing with a mindset that's unsettled. 


Because I see my past reflected, I can foresee the outcome. I was once involved with someone who was six years older. I wanted my life, he wanted forever. Now that I'm in his shoes, I should be smarter.


But I'm not being smart. I've been told to do what's best for me - but what is really best? Seeking happiness or protecting my heart? Can I do both at the same time? 


As everyone around me go round and round, and as I prepare myself for whatever the future holds, I realise: There's no such thing as a last stop.

Just because you feel good, doesn't make it right

Love, I've realised, cannot be tamed. The more you hold on to it, the quicker it slips away and as it slips, you desperately catch the remaining grains before they disintegrate and disappear altogether.


When you try to understand it and the circumstances surrounding this force, you get more confused, you become vexed, anxious and trapped in your own mind. You try to voice out your feelings but they all come out as gibberish, laced with angst and frustration. When you choose not to speak, you swallow the lumps of sentences but it cannot be sustained for long.


When you try to analyse the effects of it, you end up literally dissecting your brain cells and turning them into mush, thus causing further confusion and anxiety.


After weeks of the said actions above and a few revelations, I realised I had to kill some part of me in order to pull through - in order to mend, to heal and to understand. Sometimes, one just has to kill a small part of oneself to survive. Much like how a stranded man on an island would probably chop off a finger or two to feed himself. And when I heard the inconvenient truth of the matter tonight, some part inside me died.


My heart is a big one (pretty ironic for someone like me; I guess I've changed). As long as there's room, there will always be forgiveness and potential to heal. But now that a certain part is being axed off by me - the part where I thought you could be my anchor and my safety net - I have to let go.


I have to let you go and find yourself without letting you go totally. I have to let you go knowing that you'll find your way back to me again, no matter what happens. And while letting you go, I must also know when to pull you back, when to shine the light to guide your return...when to remind you that I've always been here, although sometimes tired, often times wanting to give up, but nonetheless, not going anywhere.


While darkness slowly transits into dawn, I wake up tired, listless and almost giving up. But I continue on our journey into the unknown and am trusting that you'll be beside me despite everything. I will not put too much thought into it because in order for something to bloom, I have to release my grip...and just let go.

If at the end of it all, my confidence in us is proven wrong, all I have to do is to let go of the remaining string.

Can someone please use this as a wedding song?

Because I think I secretly wanna slow dance to this. And it's such a romantic song, I think couples would fall in love with each other all over again.