Fatigue

I can't seem to grasp the underlying factor to why certain people like to appear and disappear in my life over and over again, basically pulling ninja stunts that leave me bleeding from the heart all over again.

She took me by surprise by asking if I was over her yet. Took a lot of persuasion from her part to get me into answering that question. The reason for her asking was because she said she thinks she's ready to be friends again. Yet why must everything be followed according to her flow of emotions, desires and impulses?

I concluded the whole conversation by telling her to just remain indifferent as how she was before and as how I've been. Her nonchalant attitude from the past two months has agitated me to move onwards a little, but her recent appearance has stopped me on my tracks, just like how I did so (literally) when I saw her outside The Cathay last Friday. I wish never to bump into her again.

Apologies are futile, yes. I do agree with her on that. Apologies are not what I want and she does not owe me anything. But to say that it hasn't been easy for her is something I find hard to believe, just as how she finds it hard to believe I've not moved on. She simply lacked the courage for so many things.

Friends? No.
Foes? No.
Strangers? Yes, might as well.

She might think that I'm being petty or perhaps vindictive; whatever she chooses to believe in, I believe this choice I made today is for the better for this weak heart of mine.

Ok, I'm going to ramble about something else. I realize I have a pattern that occurs and destructs my lifestyle when I'm troubled and getting overly anxious over something (not someone). I'm back to the first 3 weeks when I touched down in Singapore in March - refusal to leave the office even when there's nothing to do, deliberately delaying my productivity rate so I can stay back after 530pm when it's less noisy and I can write better, intentionally destroying my physical and mental health and lifestyle I managed to achieve over the past month and suffering from seemingly incurable gastro and psychophysiological insomnia (thanks to Pam for this bombastic word! I've learnt a new psychological term).

I really do think I'm self-destructive. Such a flaw is so difficult to get rid of. I am indulging in it, for whatever reason, I know not. I had this nagging thought this morning whilst walking to work: I really wish I do fall sick so I can rest. Haha. Because if I don't rest that way, I won't rest at all. The fatigue I'm feeling is indescribable; I've past the point of feeling tired, the point of recuperating in fact.

Damn! That means I've lost the 1.1kg I tried so hard to put on recently! *grumbles*