A Time to Rend and A Time to Ramble

I ruse the day that I ever met you,
And deeply regret you getting close to me.
I cannot wait to deeply neglect you,
Deeply forget you, jesus believe me
You promised me poems.

You might have been my reason for livin’
I gave up on givin’, gave up everything.
We were a right pair of believers
A couple of dreamers,
So how come this ending?
You promised me poems

I’m feeling drained, drained from work, lack of sleep and the inability to fall asleep as soon as I want. The reappearance of R. contributes to my lack of energy too. She told me last night that she had wanted to text me because she had the intention of visiting my mom. I then told her she doesn’t need to because I told my mom all that had happened. It is better this way, because I don’t think my mom has a good impression of her anymore. She thinks I deserve better.

She then asked when dinner was, as I had wanted to treat her dinner since a month ago. I was taken aback as it somehow seemed that she didn’t want to have dinner because she didn’t reschedule. Now I’m the one who doesn’t want to have dinner anymore; maybe one or two years later, but definitely not now.

She then asked the ultimate question she seems to love asking, “Are you seeing anyone now?” which is also the question that pisses me off immensely. I had the urge to tell her, “No, because you don’t think I’m good enough and now I really think I’m not good enough, so no one will want to be with someone who is not good enough.” But then that wouldn’t be true. Truth is I’m not interested now.

I read somewhere that destruction is creative in its own sense. To destroy is also a way of creating something new; not following trends and conforming to society’s “laws” is in some sense a form of “destruction”. However, only by destroying conventions do you create new innovations and thought. Take for example the hippies; a certain group of people who lead their life like a tribe, renouncing corporate influence, consumerism, the Vietnam War and with criticising Western middle class values. They “destroyed” the values imposed on them by their culture and government, and as a result, created what we now know as the hippie movement.

I’ve been peeling some skin off my middle finger, intentionally wanting it to tear and bleed. In destroying, I’ve created a bleeding finger now. Ok, I don’t know what I’m rambling about, just something I had read. The stress is getting to me.

Libbie sent me a forwarded mail. You’re supposed to match your date of birth with the phrases given. My concluding phrase was: I choked on a ninja because I was high. -_-